HERE comes the bride. No, not Camilla. This one's wearing specs not a crown and getting wed in Weatherfield not Windsor as Soapland's royals tie the knot - again. Mind you, Queen Deirdre does have a certain ring to it.

Fifteen years after their divorce, teacher turned supermarket trolley dolly turned pensioner Ken Barlow and dreary Deirdre get married for the second time.

Can they live happily ever after this time around? It's doubtful especially as Deirdre's ex, Ray Langton, pops his clogs at the reception. That's sure to put a damper on the proceedings.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. First, there's the happy day as two Weatherfield institutions - which is where some say they should be, in an institution - come together again in Coronation Street (ITV1).

The other big news is that Fred Elliott's fallen down a hole, I say, Fred Elliott's fallen down a hole. Goodness, you're thinking, it must be a very big hole for outsize Fred to fall into. That'll teach him to try to install a 5ft sculpture of a Greek goddess in Audrey's garden. The earth moves, without any assistance from his lady friend, and opens up and swallows Fred's ample form.

The Tommy Harris murder takes another twist as Angela displays the ultimate in mother love and confesses to thwacking husband terrible Tommy. We know, even if the dim Soapland police haven't twigged, that daughter Kay-ee hit him with a wrench and has been doing an impersonation of a quivering jelly ever since.

In EastEnders (BBC1), gangster Johnny Allen's bit of fluff, Tina, urges him to go public with their relationship. She's been installed in a flat near enough for him to pop round for a quick one, but Johnny doesn't want anyone to know about him and Tina.

The poor deluded girl thinks he's going to propose (marriage, not what you're thinking) on her birthday. When he doesn't, she's gutted. Even worse for Johnny is that silly Billy nearly catches the pair together when he calls round to check the fuses. Odd really as electrical repairs never struck me as Billy's speciality.

Round at the Miller's place, dad Keith is busy flogging the family TV set for cash. He's also upset that his children have discovered that he's illiterate. He flies into a rage when son Darren gets out an ABC spelling book to help him read and write. Never mind about the cat sat on the mat, as long as he can read the label on a beer can, Keith thinks he'll be all right. Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), Viv Windsor lives up to her role as post mistress, with the accent on mistress, when she and Paddy the vet give in to their passion, as they say in Soapland gossip columns. The pair have been engaged in foreplay for some weeks. Whenever Paddy pops into the post office for a bag of mint balls, Viv goes all of a quiver. Before you can ask, "what time's the last post?", Paddy is sticking his stamp on Viv's letter.

Poor Emily, or Mrs Paddy the vet as she's known locally. Paul has given her a makeover in a bid to improve her ailing marriage. I don't have high hopes for the result as Paul is a drag queen. Emily may end up looking like Danny La Rue's ugly sister.

Round at the vicarage, the Rev Ashley and Laurel try to keep their hands off each other. They have a no sex please rule since the bishop said that divorced Ashley couldn't marry in church. He must prove his taste in women has improved before the bish will give his consent.

Published: 31/03/2005