You have found the man of your dreams, only to discover his talent for ignoring the washing up, leaving socks everywhere and neglecting the kids. But is it possible to change him? Women's Editor Lindsay Jennings looks at how to turn around a lazy partner.

FROM the moment you first spotted him you knew he was the one. His dark good looks made your heart melt and when he whisked you off to Paris for a romantic proposal at the top of the Eiffel Tower, you could barely contain your glee. He had a good job, his own house, and he even scrubbed under his fingernails.

Fast forward five years, and the man who once resembled Jean-Christophe Novelli has morphed into racing pundit John McCririck, expecting his "booby" to do everything for him and developing sensory meltdown. (He cannot hear the kids arguing, see the dust covering the television screen or smell the bins which need taking out.)

According to Dr Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, this is a familiar scenario to thousands of women across the country. Some women are being driven to the brink of divorce by their partner's lazy ways as they struggle to comprehend why a man who promised to share 50 per cent of the housework and parenting before children, has turned into an archetypal 1950s husband.

"While housework is a conflict for many couples before children arrive, it isn't anything compared to what it's like after the kids come," says Dr Coleman. "Becoming a parent truly is an important opportunity for personal growth. Some parents, mums in particular, make the mistake of pushing the marriage to the back burner and ironically create the very dynamic they sought to avoid. At the same time, many fathers shift from being decent, sensitive husbands to dumping all of the new household and parental chores on their already burdened and bewildered wives."

According to Dr Coleman, lazy husbands can be one of a number of types. The Boy Husband makes you feel like you're living with another child. He is needy and pretends to be incompetent around the house.

The Perfectionist Husband wants the house and the children to look perfect, but he doesn't want to do the work himself. The Status-Seeker Husband prioritises his career before his family. He believes that spending time at home decreases his professional status.

Common excuses for lazy chaps include: "I earn more than you do so why should I do so much around the house?"; "I'm too tired to help" and "I don't know what to do".

While dads spend an average of six hours playing with their kids at the weekends, it is still the mums who do the brunt of the work, changing nappies, preparing meals, taking the kids to the doctor and giving baths. But according to Dr Coleman, change is possible. "Despite his behaviour, your husband probably really does want to make you happy," he says: "People rarely change quickly, but plan on a lazy husband campaign with a long-term perspective. Don't worry about the baby steps."

HOW TO MAKE CHANGES

Appeal to his sense of fair play

Most men know they do not do enough around the house and deep down feel guilty about it. Assuming your partner has a sense of fair play, appealing to his better nature could work.

Explain the benefits

For example, if he does more, he'll get a happier wife in the process. (Research has shown that women are more interested in sex if they have men who do their fair share of household chores.)

Cash in favours

Remind him of what you've done for him and how he owes you one.

Show him what you contribute

This can be done through lists, trading places for a day or telling him.

Tell him you're unhappy

Let him know, without whitewashing, how exhausted, resentful or discouraged you are.

Consider eliminating some chores Cut out the activities you do out of habit or to please others.

Discover his priorities

If an appeal to his better nature has failed, make him responsible for a chore that you know he cannot leave i.e. paying the bills or bathing the children. (Note: does not work on chores which are more important to you i.e. a clean toilet).

Make trades

Let him know that you're willing to swap things or behaviours that he values for behaviour or items that you value.

Improve your bargaining position

Either by education, assertiveness training, or counselling to help with your strengths and options.

* The Lazy Husband by Dr Joshua Coleman (Piatkus Books, £9.99).