Spring is here and with it comes inches of newspaper columns full of flowery line adverts describing all types of equine, from Shetlands to Shires, for sale.

If you throw open one of the market leader's equestrian classified pages, under its "Horses for Sale" you will find hundreds of adverts from which to pick your new beast. You can shut your eyes and stab a pencil anywhere on the page and I promise you will read something along the following blend:

'Genuine sale 16.2hh TB gelding, 9 years, for sale through no fault of his own. Competed very lightly affiliated/unaffiliated dressage, placed every time. Schools well over poles. Good in heavy traffic, shoe, box, clip. Ideal RC/mum/daughter share, anyone rides, from novice to experienced, open to vet, a real gentleman, sure to go to top in right hands. Good home essential priced for quick sale £4,500.'

Sounds ideal, so you phone up in a state of anxiety in case you won't be first in the queue, arrange the viewing and off you go on an 80-plus mile trip with your car packed full of advice from your horsy granny, teenage daughter and your chequebook.

You arrive after a nightmare journey as its Friday and everyone else is also using the motorway. The vendor is staggering about with a bad back and can't "display ride" first for you, which is an absolute MUST before you risk your neck yourself. You persuade your plucky groom to do so for you as it was described as "anyone can ride".

The horse seems reluctant to move at first then decides to burst into life, bucking and kicking around the arena napping to the gate and spooking at the jumps. You put up a small cross pole and the horse 'cat leaps' over it in a manner that requires superglue for even the most experienced of rider's bottoms. You politely say you don't think the horse is for you and slog back through the now even worse traffic jams, depressed and disillusioned that someone can so blatantly lie in an advert and mislead you into wasting so much time and money.

Later that night your phone rings and it is the crippled vendor begging you to take the horse on home trial for a week, adding in all tack and rugs in the price - with the catch that you have to pay the money when you remove the horse of her yard as an "insurance deposit" just in case. That would be the last you'd probably see of your cash, you'd be saddled with a horse that would be no good to anyone and impossible to sell on.

Sound familiar? I confess it has happened to me, except I had the luck and foresight to resist the telephone offer that smacked of desperation. But for first-time buyers without the experience this could easily occur.

How, even if slightly tongue in cheek, do you "de-code" those horse adverts when your repeated efforts over past months to find a suitable horse/pony via the good old trusting method of WORD OF MOUTH fails you?

Bombproof - Pony won't move unless physically dragged; Needs competitive rider - This one bolts; Not first pony - Only a small adult can ride this one; Needs experienced rider - This one is strong and could be mad; Classy allrounder - Doesn't excel in any particular discipline; Scopey jumper - Superglue required on rider's bum and saddle; Forward going ride - No braking system; Snaffle mouthed - Usually only when prospective buyers arrive; Anybody can ride - Been on box rest for months, can hardly move; Loves to jump - When carrot is dangling on other side of fence; A real gentleman - You have to do its laundry, cleaning and cooking; Still a little green - Been backed once, no one dares get on it again; "Fun loving cheeky chap" - Bites your bum and bucks you off for fun; Good in heavy traffic - Because its never been worked out of an arena; Masses/enormous presence - Overweight; Always placed - Never actually wins anything; Guaranteed vice free - Get this one in writing AND signed by your solicitor; Potential to go further - But we've given up trying; Open to vet - Yes- but the vet of OUR choice; No jockey forces sale - Everyone's too scared to ride it; Good home essential - You need patience of a saint to put up with this one; Owner giving up - Owner lost their nerve on this horse; Ex-racehorse - No mouth and only one gear; Bring your horsebox - Please remove it from my yard, I am so desperate.

I do believe in a home trial, try-before-you buy scheme, but if you are not allowed one be wary about believing all you read. It's a fact that prospective purchasers in the horse world often get the undeserving tag of "time-waster" attached to them if they ask too many questions or make repeated visits just to "make sure" they are choosing the right horse or pony.

It is hard to part with a few thousand pounds, usually cash, basing your judgement on a few pops round an arena, and a gallop round a cross country course. We are all entitled to spend time thinking about and trying out the prospective equine purchase, after all it could be for your child and you have to be absolutely sure that this is safe and suitable. This is where a home trial often works well. If the vendor is a conscientious professional whose reputation means something, they will give you the time necessary in making a purchasing decision before parting with your hard earned cash.

Often there is no comeback in a private sale, especially if you are four weeks down the line at home and have discovered the real character of your "Misty Grey" Irish Gelding is actually murkier than you think. If you find a private vendor who is truthful and trustworthy you are lucky, and if you find a dealer that is the same hang on to him! There are a lot of cowboys out there who think that by tempting you into their yard by simple 'untruths' you will buy the said horse/pony. Wrong: it just irritates us more as we have wasted time and money to see something that doesn't even resemble a horse half of the time.

It would be fantastic to have a rating system similar to the one on Ebay, for the vendors' reliability and honesty to be recorded, completed by purchasers and viewers as a pre-warning system to others. Then perhaps we can get rid of the real time wasters in this sometimes dodgy world of horse sales.

I am not saying that all sales are like this, but sadly and more increasingly so, this scenario is sounding more and more familiar to many of us who are seriously in the market for a new equestrian addition to our yards

Published: 06/05/2005