David Knight
Goalkeeper

They say every team could have a secret murderer, well this is our guy. If you room with Knighty, you keep one eye open as there is just something not right with this guy. Nicknamed Snoresville Rob Deane Goalkeeper Deano has an appetite for Haribo, Coca-Cola and high calorie desserts, which have given him the biggest backside in the team. Nicknamed Beyonce.

Kallum Griffiths
Defender

This guy is as thick as Fonzie’s sideboards. Once asked passengers on a plane if they were getting off at the same stop as us. Kallum adores himself, but we don’t know why.

Dan Groves
Defender

This lad has been through hell and has a hole in his stomach so I can’t batter him too much. The lads put some money in thinking he was dying, but the next minute he’s celebrating after the semi final looking as fit as a fiddle. We’ve all agreed that Dan has been living it up while we’ve been chasing four trophies. Nicknamed Sicknote.

Michael Laws
Defender

Don’t mention chins around Lawsey because it’s not right, but you can mention his hair. Lawsey prides himself on a crew cut from the 1990s that nobody ever gets now unless they are made to in the army. Loves it when Jason Ainsley does his Bruce Forsyth impression.

Daniel ‘Bobby’ Moore
Defender

Another serial killer. Bobby keeps himself to himself to avoid embarrassment and all he talks about is how he represented the army and fought for the country, but all Bobby really did was join the scouts then the TA. Nicknamed Jackanory.

Chris Mason
Defender

Chris has changed so much in a year. Used to wear a hair band, be well dressed, fun and a typical lad. Now he wears white socks with black trainers and pants, eats meat or fish and doesn’t drink. Came 146th in the Crossfit London Games, which Ainsley suggests is embarrassing but Chris is proud of this. Nicknamed Crossfit Face.

Stephen Capper
Defender

Another man of mystery, Capper spent eight years at Uni learning about feet, but he has the worst looking feet in the dressing room so God knows what he was doing. If you’ve watched Auf Wiedersehen Pet you’ll understand why he’s nicknamed Moxey.

Leon Ryan
Defender

The most hated man in the Northern League. Leon is the smart guy at school who says “do this it will be epic”, and then sits back as carnage is unleashed. Regularly cuts people’s clothes, especially the gaffer’s, and blames others, but they now know the truth. Don’t ever give the players pool to Leon unless you don’t want your money back – his son got a lovely new bedroom last year and we got £0.

Craig Ruddy
Winger

If you want to see the worst tattoo in living memory just see Craig’s neck. Craig was also recently told by his girlfriend he wasn’t allowed the car for training and she locked him in the house.

Andrew Stephenson
Midfielder

Young Stevo is the worst driver at the club as he has no sense of direction. Wasted a tank of petrol trying to find a gym at the Silverlink for training. Stevo regularly tells the lads he’s been putting out fires all night, but we recently discovered he just tests fire extinguishers so he went from hero to zero.

Joe Walton
Winger

Joe has one of them stupid boxer dogs with boxing gloves tattooed on his chest which tells the story of the boy who has zero GCSEs. Joe recently had a job at Greggs and lasted four weeks before declaring: “I would rather live on benefits and have four kids because I’ll get more money.” Nicknamed Jeremy Kyle.

Lewis Dodds
Midfielder

The biggest moaner and worst drinker at the club. Every year new signings ask the same question: “Is he always like this?” Nicknamed Jigsaw for falling to pieces when he gets in the box. Loves shouting at the lads and looking at the dugout for gratitude.

Keith Graydon
Midfielder

For someone who looks like Butch Dingle, Neil Lennon, Sloth, Chesney and Benjamin Button, we all think Keith is far too chirpy. Would be more suited to a Wimbledon-type dressing room as he loves to cut people’s gear and put deep heat in every part of your clothing. We prefer Keith when he just does the players’ pool and generates money for us, not when he’s trying to be clever.

Marc Ellison
Midfielder

This lad is useless when he smells a drink, let alone tastes it and has a love for red wine. He’s nicknamed Jelly Legs for this reason, which is being kind due to the mess he gets in. I hope Marc is reading this and finally realises that he is a pest when he is out and needs to stop drinking immediately.

Anthony Peacock
Midfielder

Smallest at the club, but you’ll understand why he’s called Tripod if you’ve seen him in the shower. This little cutie pie is always smiling and a favourite with the lads. Many a man has been seen off on a drinking night with Peaks so he defies science.

Wayne Phillips
Winger

What a pest this guy is when he’s had a drink, he threatens to kick people’s heads off and just lifts his top off all the time. Away from drink, Wayne is just nice who always shows his teeth when he laughs. If you like Auf Wiedersehen, check out Wyman – they must be brothers.

Chris Moore
Winger

Chris likes to keep out of the heavy banter, but loves to throw into the mix the odd one-liner. Looks like Will from the Inbetweeners and doesn’t care much for his appearance. If you see his footwear you’ll think he’s been savaged by a dog, but don’t ask if he needs help because this is how Chris likes to dress. We recently discovered he is not a student and prefers not to do his hair.

Mark Davison
Forward

A quiet lad and known as Joe Walton’s whipping boy as Joe takes any opportunity to bully Mark with repeated abuse of anything Mark does. Don’t take his quietness for granted though, because put a drink in this lad’s hand and all hell breaks loose. Enjoys wearing double denim.

Steven Richardson
Forward

The lads have run out of new nicknames for Stephen, but Gervinho seems to have stuck. His fringe is none existent and his hair seems to part into curtains half way up his head, hence the nickname. He’s a lovely lad though and his love for sunbeds is growing.

Michael Rae
Forward

Michael is a quiet lad who comes into his own after a drink. Was famously nearly airlifted to hospital during our trip to Marbella – Michael didn’t realise that sun could get through hairs on his legs and ended up with near third degree burns. Is one of the thickest in the dressing room so will never be two feet away from Kallum, Peaks and Ruddy.

Chris Lawther
Forward

Nicknamed the pigeon, but the lads would prefer it if the fans called him Nanny McPhee due to one of his teeth unfortunately sticking out, even with his mouth closed. The lads love Chris, though, because he regularly abuses Ainsley by either verbal or preferably physical abuse. Ainsley was recently pushed to the floor at Aycliffe which resulted in a grazed knee and chin.

Gavin Cogdon
Forward

Possibly the favourite of the dressing room. Lads suggest I’m punching above my weight with the Mrs, but I would disagree. Like the suggestion from the lads that I’m pound for pound the hardest at the club and also best at the bleep test alongside Steve Richardson. Only banter the lads have on me is my horrendous selection of cars, therefore nicknamed Noddy.

Jason Ainsley
Manager

Got to be careful, but what a joker this man is. Nicknamed Barnados because everything he wears is second hand. Was caught wearing a pair of trainers Speedy had lost three months previously that were two sizes too small, which highlights his love for freebies. Recently described as a teacher on the BBC. The lads loved how he did this as he is actually the caretaker.

Gavin Fell
Assistant manager

This man would win the food bushtucker trial on I’m a Celebrity.....Get Me Out of Here as we have seen him do superb things at every Northern League ground. His favourite is swallowing a crab stick whole without it touching any part of his mouth.

Baz Farr
Goalkeeping coach

Baz is like marmite, you get him or you don’t. Classic joke teller, but it helps if you have a short memory as he has a habit of repeating them. Loves dressing up with my favourite being Little Britain in Marbella – seeing millionaires look at someone in such disgust will live in my memory forever.

Glen McCartney
Coach

The angriest man at the club. If you want to frighten the kids then ask them to use Glen’s towel. It was once used and we have never ever seen someone spit their dummy out as much as this man did...we were scared for our lives! Massive Glasgow Rangers fan, which are a team in Scotland I think, also non-league.

Andy Oates
Physio

Coollest physio in the Northern League is our Andrew. Best decision in his life was not only knocking Jason Ainsley out with one punch at a BBQ, but getting rid of his horrendous blonde tips he once had for six years. Andrew is probably the only massive time lad at the club, always wearing skins and talking about holidays he’s been on or going on.