THE women of Walford aren’t much in the way of domestic goddesses.

They prefer stalking the local menfolk and killing them to stuffing the turkey and baking mince pies in EastEnders (BBC1).

Poor Ryan, the man who’s too sexy for his shirt and therefore keeps taking it off, is caught in the middle of Stacey and Janine. In other circumstances – like a menage a trois, if you’ll pardon my French – that would be quite acceptable and probably quite enjoyable for those who enjoy a bit of ooh-la-la. But Ryan has got himself in deep doo-doo by fathering a child with Stacey, marrying Janine, and then having an affair with Stacey.

Janine, a woman to whom bumping off unwanted husbands is second nature, has taken matters – and Ryan’s life – into her own hands. She’s taking her poisonous nature seriously by poisoning him like some modernday Lucrezia Borgia. As a result he’s lying helpless in hospital while she considers turning off his breathing apparatus. Happy Big Pat stops her just in time but can’t persuade Janine to go away and cool off.

Worse is to come. When Janine slinks into the Queen Vic she sees Ryan, now miraculously recovered and proof that the NHS does work, and Stacey plighting their troth in public. She goes home to sulk, her mood somewhat lightened by the arrival of Lauren, who’s as sneaky as she is. The teenager has recorded Stacey’s confession that she killed evil Archie on her mobile and gives the incriminating evidence to Janine.

Now can you see Janine letting it lie? Of course not. She turns up at the Vic to provide the Christmas entertainment.

After all, it wouldn’t be Christmas without a murder/divorce/death in Walford. Stacey holds up the phone, presses the play button and… well, that would be telling.

Someone not around to hear is Bee-anchor. She’s been a naughty girl and hit a policeman. Okay, it was accidental but she faces Christmas doing bird instead of eating it. It all begins with her and Rickkeeeee bemoaning that they have no money to buy their kids Christmas presents. Even Bee-anchor selling her mince pies in the cafe fails to produce any cash when they don’t sell like hot cakes.

But it does spur children Liam and Tiffany into action. They turn to crime and steal perfume with the aim of wrapping it up in an old copy of the Walford Gazette and giving it to their mother as a present. The arrival of the police sends Bee-anchor and everyone into a panic. Especially Whitney. “Houston, we have a problem” – Whitney has hidden stolen jewellery in the house for Connor.

The cops find it, Bee-anchor punches one in the resulting melee and is arrested on suspicion of theft. She looks likely to be banged up for Christmas – and beyond.

WHILE Bee-anchor joins the ranks of the Bad Girls, terrible Tracy Barlow is out. The carol concert in Coronation Street (ITV1) is interrupted by the arrival of a stranger. Welcome back Tracy, who was incarcerated for killing Charlie the builder with the big toolbox.

It seems the forensic evidence in the case was dodgy, meaning there’s going to be a retrial and Tracy is out on bail. Lucky for her but unlucky for Steve and Becky because Tracy wants to be a mother again and reclaim her daughter Amy.

Does she ask nicely? Is the Pope a Catholic? (answers on a postcard please).

She demands her daughter, resulting in the first of many arguments with the McDonalds.

Steve gives way a certain amount which has unfortunate repercussions because blabbermouth Amy tells Tracy about Steve and Becky “buying” a baby – Becky’s nephew Max. That’s just what Tracy wants to hear. Tracy also wants to make the most of her freedom, deciding she not only wants Amy but she wants Steve too.

I fear her demands may be a step too far.

Mark my words, Tracy is heading for a fall before everyone says “happy new year”.