HERE in Soapland no one should be surprised to find that Ken Barlow, Weatherfield’s longestserving resident, should have one or two unexpected children.

This is, after all, a man who has been married four times, widowed twice and divorced once and had, according to the records, 27 girlfriends.

So the odd unknown child shouldn’t be a shock. The law of averages dictate that with all that sexual activity, Ken’s past must be littered with children and transmittable diseases.

The offspring we know about are twins Susan and Peter Barlow (the reformed alcoholic who runs a betting shop) and Daniel Osbourne.

A new son and heir comes into the picture when a letter from the Sixties is unearthed during building work in Coronation Street (ITV1). Ken finds out that he has a long lost son, Lawrence.

He contacts former flame Susan’s son and arranges to meet. It will, I would bet my last pair of wearable knickers on, end in tears and Ken’s dreams of playing families will be thwarted.

More unhappy families round at the Websters where girl-on-girl action between Sophie and girlfriend Sian has set tongues wagging (as if they hadn’t been wagged enough already). Claire Peacock tells of seeing them with their lips locked and shocks the Websters who always thought a lesbian was that Greek island that Meryl Streep danced around in Mamma Mia.

Sophie and Sian react in the only way possible – they decide to flee Weatherfield for a more lesbian-friendly place. It’s the only way they can see that they can remain a couple.

More sexual shenanigans in Emmerdale (ITV1) where the inevitable happens – Carl, the tallest man in soap, sleeps with Eve. His feet sticking out of the duvet are a dead giveaway.

Not for them a quick bunk-up behind the Woolpack. They do the dirty deed in a plush hotel. Not least because it means Carl’s girlfriend Chastity can’t see them.

While Carl feels no guilt at all, would you Adam and Eve it but his new squeeze worries about betraying her pal Chas. Hearing from Carl that he’s still getting jiggy-jiggy with Chas doesn’t help at all. This is a man who wants his cake and eat it. And blow out the candle on the top at the same time.

Emmerdale’s runaway teen Good Golly Miss Holly sneaks back into the village after her drugs shame. She did a runner after her cocaine habit was uncovered by the Rev Ashley. When she sneaks back to steal more money from the family farm, she’s nabbed by schoolgirl sister Hannah who tries to persuade her to return home.

Some hope. This girl just wants a fix and will do anything to get the money to pay for it.

A new Mitchell joins the clan in EastEnders (BBC1) as Sam gives birth. (It’s a boy, should you care) although the question of who’s the daddy, Rick-eeeee or I’m All Right Jack, remains unsolved.

Janine, who’s been eavesdropping again, takes great pleasure in spreading the news of Sam’s happy event to one and all in the Square, meaning that Walford General maternity unit is awash with Mitchells all wondering about the identity of the father.

Baby trouble too for Ian Beale although he doesn’t know it yet.

Wife Jane is furious that he duped her over daughter Lucy’s termination and plans revenge.

No, not by cutting off his ghoulies (although, goodness knows, he deserves his shortcomings being exposed) but by hitting him where it will hurt him most. That’s right, in his wallet. Her plan is simple – to part Ian and his money, leaving him with nothing.