FAMILY reunions are guaranteed to warm the cockles of your heart. Unless you live in Soapland where it's not so much hugging, kissing and tears of joy as shouting, thumping and tears of pain after slapped round the face.

They might as well rename the show Families At War. Apart from living under a thick cloud of fag-induced fog courtesy of wife Dot, Jim Branning has a pretty cushy life. All that change when son Mad Max arrives unexpectedly in EastEnders (BBC1).

He's a bit of a charmer so when his car breaks down in the middle of Albert Square, he uses his silver tongue to persuade Carly to give him a quick service and get him back on the road.

Not that he's going anywhere but the Brannings' house. Even the sight of Pauline, with an expression like sour milk, letting him in - she's doing some cleaning for Dot - fails to deter him.

It would be fair to say that Jim isn't pleased to see him. They haven't spoken since the break-up of Mad Max's marriage following his affair with Torrid Tanya.

Jim's never had much time for his son and today is no exception. He gives Mad Max his marching orders. He refuses to leave until he sees son Bradley. He wants to bond with the lad, even if it means using superglue.

Bradley walks in on Jim and Mad Max having a violent argument. He doesn't even recognise his dad (a not-unusual occurrence in Soapland where parentage is often called into doubt).

Mad Max is in Walford to stay, trying to persuade latest wife Tanya that his recent affair was a mistake and that they should rent Johnny Allen's old place and stay in the Square.

Jake Moon has been mooning around since the exit of his brothers from Walford but now he's looking to rent out the Allen place. First, attractive estate Beth has to take down his particulars. He finds her a very desirable property, both upstairs and downstairs, in good decorative order. He undertakes a thorough survey. Jake, who hasn't seen much leg-over action of late, is just the man to plant his FOR SALE sign in her driveway.

Rovers barmaid Shelley has man trouble too in Coronation Street (ITV1) as old boyfriend Charlie, the builder with the big toolbox, drags her into the twisted games he's playing with new girlfriend, Terrible Tracy.

It results in Shelley believing that the pair have left baby Amy home alone while they're out on the town. Getting Steve McDonald, Amy's dad, to batter down the door isn't the wisest move as it was all a silly joke being played by Terrible Tracy on Charlie-is-my-darling.

No wonder Shelley is seriously considering leaving Weatherfield, especially after being offered a job in the Peak District. She'll be lucky to get a cab to make her exit as Streetcars is in disarray with owners Steve and Lloyd planning to start up separate taxi firms. Receptionist Eileen does the only thing possible in the circumstances - she goes off to London on holiday, leaving them to squabble over their fares.

Viv in Emmerdale (ITV1) is desperate to find a home for her baby. She needs a womb with a view to use as a surrogate mother. She could ask Kelly, who could always hatch an egg in her considerable cleavage. But it's daughter Donna who agrees to hold the baby in exchange for a deposit on a house.

I hope she doesn't want one at the King family's new development where Cain trashes the show home with a digger. The result is a room with a view - of open countryside once the walls have been demolished.