SOAPLAND'S pubs are, as we all know by now, licensed not only to sell alcohol and pork scratchings but to stage big fights. Hardly a week goes by without a punch-up in the public bar, followed by a rumpus in the private area. For fighting goes hand-in-hand with loving in Soapland. Not so much a rumble in the jungle as a fumble in the jungle.

The irony of Tanya and Stacey's cat fight in EastEnders (BBC1) during Peggy's birthday party in the Vic is that mother-of-two Tepid Tanya is blissfully unaware that Slapper Stacey is sleeping with her husband Mad Max Branning, alias Mr Tanya.

They're rivals in love but only one of them knows it. The fight arises after Tanya accidentally spilling champagne over Stacey's new top (that's an item of clothing, by the way, not surgically enhanced breasts). Stacey's feeling miffed because she's learnt that the Brannings are thinking about buying a villa in the sun. So a spilled drink leads Stacey to take a swing at Tanya who retaliates and, before you can say cat litter, the claws are out along with handfuls of hair. Well, it beats watching Watchdog on the telly.

There is compensation for Tanya. Stacey's brother Sean helps separate the brawling babes and tries to console her. This involves putting his lips on hers and probing gently with his tongue, checking for cavities. Quite the oddest way of giving first aid to a woman who's been in a fight.

Honey Honey is worried about telling husband Silly Billy that she's pregnant again. They have money worries and are only just coming to terms with their daughter Janet. Why weren't they more careful? Was the condom machine in the Vic out of order. Or had Stacey ripped it off the wall and bashed Tanya over the head with it?

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Dreary Deirdre has a panic attack although, to be honest, it's a bit late to realise the full horror of being married to Conscientious Ken.

What's causing her breathlessness is not corner shop Dev and his bargain shelf but daughter Terrible Tracy, currently awaiting trial for murdering Charlie the builder with the big toolbox.

Tracy goes ballistic after seeing brother Peter snogging Maria, the hussy with whom Charlie betrayed her. She can't believe her brother would bother with a problem like Maria. Tracy's bad behaviour causes Deirdre to come over all funny and it looks like the strain on the trial could give her a nervous breakdown.

For once, Janice the Gob is speechless when she discovers what daughter Leanne does for a living. I'll give you a clue. It's a very restful job that involves lying around but it sometimes gets on top of you.

Yes, that's right, she selling her services as a prostitute or escort if you want to be legal about it. She's told everyone that she has a career in property which is sort of true as she spends a lot of time in bedrooms looking at ceilings.

Soap children have a hard time in Emmerdale (ITV1). Scarlett is shocked and upset to discover that the late Tom, the king of Kings, was her father. She bonds with one of her half-brothers, Jimmy, but her mother wants the Three Stooges to buy Scarlett's share of Home Farm.

Another unwanted teen is Daz, whose real father Billy is still arguing with Flat Cap Jack who wants to adopt him. His 16th birthday party isn't a roaring success, mainly because Debbie neglects to invite anyone.

So Daz ends up having two separate birthday meals with Billy and Jack, and to cap it all they both buy him watches and so he has to wear them both. He has more time on his hands that he needs.