ALL those years of washing other people's dirty laundry in public finally sends the Queen of the Laundrette, Pauline Foultemper Fowler, off her shopping trolley in EastEnders (BBC1).

She has no-one to blame but herself as she's been lying to everyone in Albert Square, telling them she has a brain tumour. All Pauline has in an extreme case of being miffed because son Mar-in, formerly the tallest man in soap, has gone back to his Lesbos-visiting wife Sonia.

When Mar-in discovers that his mum has been telling porkie pies about her illness, he says he doesn't want to see her any more. But the rest of the Square is unaware that she's okay and big-hearted/big-bosomed (delete where applicable) Peggy Mitchell organises a collection, deciding to hold a fund-raiser at the Vic.

Mar-in, still furious at his mother's fibbing, tells Peggy it was all a lie and Peggy, catching a nasty dose of miffedness, announces to her customers the news that Pauline is all right. The locals don't take her sick joke very well. One even demonstrates their ability to spell by painting the word LIAR on the Fowler's back gate. Presumably there wasn't room for YOU LYING OLD RATBAG.

Pauline goes into full battleaxe mode - she slaps Peggy, throws her wedding ring at husband Joe, and smashes a plate over his head. Happily, it's a clean one so he doesn't end up with gravy dribbling down his face.

Stacey Slater gets destructive too when she smashes up boyfriend Bradley's flash new car. She's miffed (there's a lot of it about) when he lies about not being able to take a partner to the office Christmas do. That's because he's worried Stacey will embarrass him by using the wrong fork (to stab his managing director). So he takes someone more refined. Stacey reacts as violently as Pauline, throwing a drink over his new lady friend and denting his lovely motor.

Soapland is full of liars. Cilla in Coronation Street (ITV1) tells her family that her cancer is terminal. She wants to get back at husband Les for jumping into bed with her best friend Yana. Les, hearing her dying wish to swim with dolphins (although sharks would be more appropriate), sets up a fund to make her dream come true. Cilla persuades him and Yana to sit in a bath of mushy peas to raise money. Then they can recycle them - the peas, not Les and Yana - and serve them with Betty's hotpot.

Butcher Fred Elliot's ashes are finally scattered although son Ashley and nearly-wife Bev disagree over where to put them. I'd have thought there was more than enough of outsize Fred for two separate scatterings. Ashley favours Fred's favourite spot by the river, Bev wants them left in the lay-by where he proposed. How romantic.

Diana Sugden continues to behave like a mad cow in Emmerdale (ITV1). Understandable, perhaps, as she was almost blown up in the King showhouse explosion, battled cancer and nursed daughter Bernice after a nearly-fatal accident.

Now the truth is revealed - Diane has hypomania (which is like nymphomania but not as interesting) brought on by her near-death experiences. Being married to flat cap Jack certainly counts as one.

Bob Hope is miffed following daughter Dawn's death in the exploding showhouse. He's devised a plan to ruin the Christmas Day wedding of Tom, the king of Kings, and Rosemary. I fear they may never get to cut the wedding cake.