Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat - and so is Laurel in Emmerdale (ITV1). She's pregnant and this is no virgin birth.

Her husband, the Rev Ashley, has had a hand (and other body parts) in the proceedings.

We don't often visit the Soapland vicarage but when we do we find not joy and goodwill but discord and upset. The Rev Ashley is a right old misery guts these days. Perhaps the challenge of fighting the good fight in a village rife with lust, passion, adultery, murder and sheep is getting all too much for him.

He and Laurel aren't getting along very well because they're planning rival Christmas events. She's organising a party for the youngsters, he's leading a candlelit prayer meeting. And never the twain shall meet - except, of course, they do when Ashley gatecrashes the party and begins conducting prayers for the drunken teenagers.

It appears that Daz, a boy who is clearly not whiter than white, is downing vodka not holy water and making a lot of noise into the bargain. The Rev Ashley tries to calm things down with a few prayers but the youngsters merely ask if no-one will rid them of this troublesome priest.

The man of God loses his rag and, not content to rest on his Laurel, lets rip at his wife in front of villagers. Next morning, he's distraught and she's pregnant. He takes the news of the conception of their first born quite well. All is peaceful again in the vicarage. For the time being.

The Rev Ashley would do well to have a word with Jo, who's still causing trouble for love rival Katie. They both have designs on the same man, Andy the farmer with the big barn. Jo's latest wheeze is to frighten Katie's horse (by putting on an Edna mask) causing Katie to take a tumble. It's Jo, not the horse, that needs putting down. Laurel isn't the only one with great expectations in Soapland. A pregnancy test is found in bus in EastEnders (BBC1). But who's the mummy? Stacy and Denise are among the suspects. The only woman we can rule out is Pauline Fowler on the grounds that her grim expression is contraception enough.

Kevin Wicks is enjoying a family holiday in Dorset along with the Truemans and the Foxes until someone unexpected turns up at the door of the cottage.

Knock, knock, who's there? Shirley.

Shirley who?

Shirley some mistake.

The estranged, not to say strange, Mrs Wicks is putting in an appearance. She walked out on Kev and the kids years ago but wants to get back in the life of the cockernee second hand car dealer. What will Kev's new love Denise say?. Not a lot as she's still recovering from Patrick Trueman telling her that he's not her daddy. The police are busy in Weatherfield as Nosey Norris from the Kabin katches, oops catches, the boy who's been adorning the shop wall with graffiti. I reckon he's just trying to correct the mis-spelling of the shop name. The young villian is exposed as barmaid Michelle's son Ryan.

Norris makes a citizen's arrest (pausing only to say, "You're nicked, put your trousers on"), bundles the poor lad into Rita's car and drives off to the police station in Coronation Street (ITV1). Unfortunately, he's stopped for speeding on the way.Perhaps they'll do him for stealing the car and put him behind bars. Just remember Norris, don't pick up the soap in the showers.

Meanwhile, the police visit Terrible Tracy and Charlie the builder with the big toolbox. Tricky Tracy's plan to bring down Charlie is proceeding apace and she manages to almost get him arrested for domestic violence. Put him in a cell with Norris, I say, that would teach them both a lesson they wouldn't forget in a hurry.