ALBERT Square resident Zainab has a new water feature in EastEnders (BBC1). No, I don’t mean she’s installed a new toilet. She wants to brighten up Walford with an installation – a large and, to be honest, horriblelooking fountain.

But what’s this, husband Masood is singing “If I had a hammer” and swings that aforementioned tool at said fountain. Crash, bang, wallop and the fountain, like his marriage, is history.

But I get ahead of myself. What has been going on with Masood and Zainab to cause such ructions?

Usually residents are hitting each other, not masonry.

Their relationship has been fragile for some time what with Masood canoodling with Jane and Zainab’s problems with mad arsonist ex-husband Dr Yusef who went up in flames.

Masood’s had enough of Zainab’s attitude. Nag, nag, nag, all day long. Despite that, he constructs her precious new water feature and all the while she puts him under pressure to get it finished in time for the grand unveiling. She wants to impress the community, or perhaps just provide a luxurious bath for the local birds.

Alas, the switching on of the fountain doesn’t go according to plan when it starts spurting pink bubbles. Zainab gets in a right lather herself and goes marching round to confront Bee-anchor’s children, whom she considers the perpetrators of this fountain fiasco.

Water load of rubbish, says Masood as he squares up to his partner and takes a hammer to the fountain.

GAIL the hamster, whiskers aquiver and tail flicking ten to the dozen, is agitated. Not that her wheel has stuck but that lover Lewis, the charming con man, has left her in dire straits in Coronation Street (ITV1). What it proves, of course, is that Gail’s taste in men is questionable, having aligned herself with a serial killer and insurance fraudster in the past.

Mum Audrey, who was similarly targeted by Lewis, has little sympathy for her daughter so Gail is forced to go begging son Nick Nick for help in keeping up her loan repayments. Some hope. I mean is he likely to give her back her Bistro job and provide a roof over her head after she boycotted his wedding to Leanne?

Terrible Tracy starts work at the knicker factory after asking new boyfriend Robbin’ Rob for a job at Underworld. She reckons she’ll be in charge but soon gets her knickers in a twist on finding out she’s working in the packing area.

The thought of putting underwear in boxes is pants, as far as she’s concerned.

Hey Jude, what’s going on in church in Emmerdale (ITV1)?

There’s a funeral party waiting to bury the dead and vicar Jude hasn’t got through the christening of baby Molly yet.

While parent Gennie and Nikhil try to persuade Katie to be godmother (she’s changed her mind), Chas turns up at the church. Nobody, especially the Dingles, is pleased to see her because she had an affair with Debbie’s boyfriend Killer Cameron.

Vicar Jude watches anxiously and prays that fisticuffs don’t break out as Chas faces up to the Dingle clan, notably stroppy Debbie who has her own worries after a robbery backfired on her.

Arranging to meet dodgy business associate Pete in a secluded country lane hardly seems the wisest course of action.