CHRISTMAS may be just around the corner, but Max and Tanya have other things on their mind in EastEnders (BBC1). No virgin birth for them – that’s something even Soapland can’t manage – but hen and stag dos.

They’re getting married at Christmas. At least that’s the plan, but as keen observers of Soapland at Tinseltime know, this is a period when skeletons fall out of the cupboard like snow outside Santa’s grotto.

The pair have been married before, when Tanya’s idea of foreplay was to bury Max alive in a coffin. A rather extreme punishment, you may think, for leaving the toilet seat up after use. Now they’re preparing to do it again (the wedding, not the coffin bit), but tradition dictates a rowdy night out first. Mad Max needs to let his hair down (metaphorically speaking as the bald truth is his hair is notable by its absence) to blank out the thought of those demanding money with menaces from him.

Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to make him dress up as a convict, and for his stags to wear T-shirts emblazoned with the message Game Over.

Lauren also spoils things by jumping on a table, having strayed into the stags rather than the hens night out.

Let’s hope they don’t mistake her for a stripper. Yes, Max’s pals have ordered him some of those performers. As he’s in convict clothes it’s appropriate that two policewomen arrive to detain him for a spot of strip and search (but careful where you stick your truncheon).

Tanya’s hen night is proceeding as well as expected considering she’s being blackmailed by the bridegroom’s brother, Dodgy Derek. He’s threatening to get her daughter Lauren banged up (in the prison sense of the expression) if Tanya doesn’t let him be Max’s best man and daughter Alice be a bridesmaid. Presumably, he’ll want the biggest piece of the wedding cake too.

Her hens do their best to take Tanya’s mind off her problems with a Max video quiz, although the question about how long someone can survive buried in a coffin is a little inconsiderate. Then the ushers that Kim’s brought along begin to strip and Tanya starts thinking about that time she sat on a Chippendale at another hen night.

While we’re on the subject of dodgy birds, spare a thought for Chesney whose scheme for making a bit of easy money at Christmas is going awry in Coronation Street (ITV1).

He and Kirk have got the bird – well, turkeys to be precise. The idea was for them to sell the birds and make a mint. Then they discover the turkeys are stolen, and they’ll be jailbirds themselves if the police catch them. They need to get rid of the evidence.

An early Christmas dinner would seem to be the answer.

Jai is a new dad in Emmerdale (ITV1), but the joys of fatherhood are being denied him.

Rachel had his baby after a one-night stand and she’s kept the identity of the baby’s father a secret from the village. Now the baby’s arrived, Jai’s worried that he won’t have any contact with his secret offspring.

He could look on the bright side – at least he won’t have to change any nappies.