Fat chance

IT’S no wonder that Martin Shaw’s Father Jacob can’t find anyone to exorcise him. “The last priest who helped me with exorcism was skinned alive,” he reminds a potential helper.

That scene is the only bit of Apparitions, a series that has failed to interest too many viewers, that I’ve witnessed.

And very horrible it was too, although the special effects team is to be commended.

There are plenty of horrible bits in the final episode as tormented Father Jacob is pursued and taunted by a multiple murderer named Michael.

Or something like that. Writer and director Joe Ahearne ensures this is all pomp and circumstance in which people spout religious mumbo-jumbo while wielding cut-throat razors or bursting into flames.

Father Jacob is sent to see a psychologist to help him as his boss wants a psychiatric report before considering an exorcism.

Her line of questioning isn’t very convincing.

“What made you become a priest,” she inquires.

“God,” replies Father Jacob.

“Did he speak to you directly?” she continues.

Has he heard voices? Is his state of health caused by demons (if so, he’ll have to go private as the NHS doesn’t do exorcism) and, on a fashion note, why isn’t he wearing his priest’s collar?

There’s a helpful nun (rather disconcertingly played by someone from ITV1’s comedy Benidorm), exorcise virgin Father Daniel and John Shrapnel’s shiftylooking Cardinal.

Strictly Come Dancing fans should note that contestant Cherie Lunghi turns up to tempt Father Jacob. She looks at him alluringly. Father Jacob thinks she’s giving him the old come-on. “Meet a sexually- available woman and you think you’re Satan,” she tells him.

Being the final episode, there’s a special guest star – the Pope. Or at least a very good lookalike. He gets to witness the final confrontation involving a burning nun, levitation and a magic bullet.

The title of Fat Teens In Love says it all, although the documentary can’t decide which bit – fat or love – it’s most interested in.

The idea of going to the UK’s first adolescent weight loss camp is to undertake a programme of diet, healthy eating and outdoor exercise. But someone has told the makers that fat teens are 20 per cent less likely to get married, so it tries to make something of the “interactions with the opposite sex” that occur at the camp. Can they shed weight and find love is the question being asked. Lose weight, find new friendships.

Unlike their US reality TV counterparts, these teens are a run-of-the-mill bunch. There’s little of the tantrums, tears and foot-stamping we expect in such shows.

Some are even reluctant TV stars, don’t want to be shown and have their faces pixellated. What’s wrong with these people not wanting to be humiliated and shamed in front of the nation’s realitycrazed viewers?

Kaytee is 17, weighs 12 stone and is one of the smallest in the camp. She’s clinically obese and her self-confidence is crushed. She strikes up a friendship with 18-year-old Bobby, who weighs 22 stone.

The most drama comes on an overnight hike when Hannah decides she wants to quit. Much time is spent arguing over whether to go on or go back. The group is in danger of falling apart and I was in danger of switching off.

While the makers of Fat Teens In Love are looking for romance, the camp organisers are keen it shouldn’t go too far.

We see one chap being expelled after learning that “close relationships did form and had a negative effect”.

It seems that, despite the title, these teens have a fat chance of being allowed to find love.