Desperate measures

A NATURAL disaster in a soap is always a good way to tie up loose ends and dispose of anyone being difficult over renegotiating their contract. So it is with the tornado that twirls its way down Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives tonight. The talkative narrator begins by telling us it's supposed to be a beautiful day before going on to warn that one resident will lose a husband and all of them a friend in four short hours.

Gaby (Eva Longoria Parker) is set to run off with ex-husband Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira), and is livid to see his wife Edy (Nicolette Sheridan) get her hands on the documents giving access to Carlos' $10m offshore account.

Gaby's hasty departure means she's giving up her house, her friends and, horror of horrors, her wardrobe - but she has no intention of giving up the money. Name-calling ("you manky whore") is followed by fighting.

Carlos ends up having fisticuffs with Gaby's current husband, the mayor, whom they've previously twice knocked overboard from his yacht.

Other storms are brewing. Spurned lover Sylvia turns up on the Mayfair's doorstep demanding to see the man of the house, her exlover Adam.

His wife isn't very welcoming. She spits in her face. "If you need any anti-bacterial wipes" offers Bree (Marcia Cross), as practical and cleanliness-minded as ever.

Susan (Teri Hatcher) is alarmed that husband Mike (James Denton) is still popping pills, prescribed by Bree's husband, Orson (Kyle McLachlan).

All this fighting leaves precious little time to batten down the hatches as the tornado gathers pace. Before the end of the day the white picket fence will be dripping blood.

Dan Cruickshank's windmill-like arm movements go into overdrive as he experiences pleasure in the final part of his Adventures In Architecture.

His choices, ranging from a hotel in India to a ruined city in Italy, produce unexpected sights.

Bavarian royal Ludwig II's fairytale castle is one of the most breathtaking.

Cruickshank describes this as "an extravagant and intoxicating building". Ludwig had a vivid imagination when it came to home decorating - a temple inspired by a Byzantine church, a hall inspired by Wagner's operas and, most extraordinary of all, a subterranean grotto recreated in an upstairs room.

A lot of good his grand designs did him. Ludwig was declared insane at 40 - that grotto might have contributed to people thinking he'd lost his marbles - declared unfit to rule and exiled from the castle.

His suicide swiftly followed and the Bavarian authorities, keen to claw back the money spent on the building, opened it to the public to repay his debts.

Cruickshank visits the ruins of Pompeii, a tribute to the pleasures of the senses. A lot of loving, eating and drinking in other words.

"The first image you see is a man with a gigantic penis," he says.

He doesn't need to tell us, we can see. The penis is worth its weight in gold - the picture shows the organ representing health, wealth and happiness being weighed on the scales against a bag of gold.

Afamily of former slaves spent their wealth on dazzling guests with their very des-res. The dining room consisted of three couches and a table down the middle for the food. The bizarre decoration on the walls included a picture of a woman and a bull with whom she's going to mate. Nothing like a spot of bestiality to work up an appetite.

Then he's off to visit the only purpose-built brothel known to survive from the Roman world. This is the House of the She-Wolf, which is Roman slang for prostitute.

"Imagine the noise in here when business was brisk, the smell, the atmosphere," he says touring the booths and lavatories.

Also in Italy he indulges his passion at a place where mathematics helped created perfect architecture. "Gosh, this villa has great architectural presence," he enthuses.

The result may be "harmony and timeless beauty" but I was lost once he began telling me that "every detail of the wings of the pavilions is proportionate to its cube".

Why can't he just say it looks nice.