A service celebrates the 80th birthday of a former rap granny and the wonderful world of entertainment

Daddy wouldn’t buy me a
bow-wow
Daddy wouldn’t buy me a
bow-wow;
I have a little cat
And I’m very fond of that,
But I’d rather have a bowwow
– Joseph Tabrar

DAPHNE CLARKE’s 80th birthday was celebrated vividly, idiosyncratically and wholly memorably.

No one who knows her would ever have supposed otherwise.

There was a church service at which she preached, superbly, on joy and at which they played the Bow- Wow song – written by Joseph Tabrar, her great, great uncle – while taking the collection.

Three days later, there was a lunch, afternoon tea and goodness knows what else when family members entertained with everything from Crimond to can-can, though fading memory suggests that none of us actually danced to either.

None of it, however, effectively addressed the issues of whether Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me a Bow-wow is all bed and bawdy – “Lewd, it had to be sung by a woman,” says Marita Staite, Daphne’s sister – or of why Daphne herself is not manager of the England football team, having written rather a good application letter.

The service was at Richmond Methodist Church. Afterwards, I’d asked if she had any regrets. Daphne said not, that life had been good, but next day she rang with two regrets.

The first was that she’d never had a children’s fantasy novel published.

The second that, unlike Harry Levaine, her grandfather, she’d never appeared in the Royal Variety Performance.

It may only be a matter of time.

Ten commandments

Things you may never have
known about the Royal
Variety Performance

  •  The show celebrates its

centenary this year, the first

“Command Performance” at the

Palace Theatre in 1912. Three

million roses decorated the

theatre.

  •  Supposed “too risqué” for

their majesties, singer Marie

Lloyd booked a nearby theatre

instead. The bills proclaimed it

“by command of the British

public”.

  •  The second show was in 1919,

the name changed from Royal

Command Performance to Royal

Variety Performance.

  •  Alec Dane appeared in the

1934 show. Readers are invited

to recall the television role for

which he became famous.

Answer at the foot of the

column.

  •  The Queen’s first Royal Variety

Performance was in 1952, artists

including Norman Wisdom and

the Beverley Sisters. The Duke is

said particularly to have been

taken by Tony Hancock.

  •  The Lord Chamberlain’s

office turned down ITV’s offer

to television the 1955

performance, “because

television endangers the

variety theatre”.

  •  The 1956 show was cancelled

four hours before curtain after

Britain invaded Suez. Liberace

broke down in tears. “I’ve been

rehearsing this bloody act for

two weeks, so someone’s gonna

hear it,” said comedian Jimmy

Wheeler, and gave a one-man

show regardless.

  •  The Beatles enjoyed their

first Royal Variety Performance

in 1963. “Those in the cheap

seats clap your hands, the rest

rattle your jewellery,” John

Lennon famously observed.

  •  Barefoot singer Sandie Saw

changed out of her mini-skirt

before meeting the Queen after

the 1966 show. “It’s all right on

stage, but meeting the Queen

needs something a bit more

special,” she said.

  •  The Entertainment Artistes’

Benevolent Fund website,

gratefully acknowledged, has a

2009 picture of “Her Majesty

the Queen being presented to

Lady Gaga”. It’s possible they

mean the other way round.