The Celts (C4)

One Tree Hill (C4)

IF you want people to remember the good things about you when you've gone, then be sure to write them down. Look what happened to the Celts. They omitted to put their history on parchment, leaving the Greeks and the Romans to bad mouth them. They've been labelled as headhunters with a passion for heavy drinking and human sacrifice. Definitely not people you'd invite round for drinks and canapes.

Archaeologist Richard Rudgley determined to put the record straight on "the romantic underdogs of history", following his C4 investigations into the Stone Age and Dark Ages.

Celts were the first masters of Iron Age Europe whose culture was wiped out by the empire-building Romans as they came, saw and conquered.

Rudgley embarked on an exhaustive search for Celtic history around Europe at C4's expense.

In Germany, he encountered the first real ancient Celt at the Hochdorf burial site. Well, what was left of him and the trappings of immense wealth and power buried with him. This prince liked a drink, judging by the cauldron that could hold 70 gallons of wine. "He took his entertaining very seriously," noted our guide.

Rudgley met German archaeologists who bring the Celtic world to life by dressing as authentic Celtic warriors. He duly removed his trousers and covered himself in white make-up to recreate the Celtic look. Fortunately, for he's no Brad Pitt, he spared us the sight of running into battle naked as Celts did. Their only defence was body paint, a shield and trust in the Gods.

Rudgley eventually arrived back in this country to try to discover if the Celts migrated to Britain, bringing their art with them. Wetwang chariot burials in Yorkshire are further evidence that Celtic tribes moved here. Immigration authorities presumably saw nothing odd in a large group of naked warriors carrying severed heads crossing the Channel.

Another ancient ritual was enacted in US teen series One Tree Hill - stag and hen nights. The difference was that the couple, Nathan and Haley were already married.

Naturally, strippers were ordered. The boys also brought home a keg of beer. Unfortunately, they mistook two female cops who came knocking at the door for the entertainment.

"Let's see some hard girl-on-girl," suggested stag party organiser Tim.

The policewomen were not amused. "Forget the keg, let's arrest the perve," they decided, not unreasonably in the circumstances.

Haley was entertained by a roadside breakdown man who whipped off his trousers. This isn't a service offered by the AA or RAC. At least, not in my experience. It was all a set-up - he was a stripper.

Haley bought sexy lingerie and was taught how to pole dance. Nathan's stag do came to an abrupt halt after the police raid. Then there was a knock at the door. Enter Simone the stripper.

She was a girl who took her work very seriously. Soon she and Nathan were busy with their fingers - playing computer games. "You're young, you're athletic, you suck at video games," was her conclusion before stripping to her undies and telling Nathan, "I'll be in the bedroom when you decide what you want."

And she wasn't talking about choosing the next video game to play.