On TV

Mike Bassett: Manager (ITV1)

I DON'T know which is more difficult - running a football team or running a country. On reflection, I suppose the Virgin Queen has the advantage because her courtiers, unlike Bassett's players, don't have to run around wearing shirts bearing the name of the club sponsors - Wirral Rubbish.

Bassett was first seen in a cinema movie in 2001 and is, to quote his CV, "a man with more clubs than Jack Nicklaus". Offered the manager's job with struggling (like a cat tied in a bag thrown in the Tyne) Wirral County, he jumps at it. Wife Katrina's dreams of moving to Spain are shattered as the pair return home. She points out that she's followed him everywhere - Bury, Barnsley, Blackburn.

"You said you wanted to travel, love," he reminds her.

"Not just around Lancashire," she replies.

As for Helen Mirren's Elizabeth I, one of those helpful story-so-far captions so beloved of historical dramas informed us at the start that she'd been on the throne for 20 years, leaving the way open for cheap toilet jokes. Her team of advisors are a difficult lot to manage, although she does pass the medical. "All is as it should be," says her doctor, emerging from between her legs. She can still bear children, but who will be the daddy?

The Earl of Leicester (Jeremy Smoothing Irons) looks a likely candidate as "he has the familiar touch". Then she sets her royal eyes on his stepson, the Earl of Essex and, with her mind more on 'sex' than 'E', observes, "He's grown into a pretty youth".

Her advisors want her to play away, arranging a European fixture with a smarmy French duke. She's more interested in watching would-be assassins being hung, drawn and quartered, which will never catch on as half-time entertainment at Wirral County. And she ruthlessly gets rid of unwanted players, axing Mary Queen of Scots from the England squad.

Back at Wirral County, Bassett is still trying to knock his team into shape. Difficult with players like the striker nicknamed Barn Doors, "because he couldn't hit one", and "the little fat chap playing right back", who's the sponsor's son.

His way of inspiring players is to refer to having 11 Douglas Baders on the pitch. Elizabeth puts on her best wig and frock to deliver a rousing speech to the troops about to go into battle with the Spanish.

Elizabeth I looks fabulous, has an intelligent script and decent acting but can't produce a convincing answer to my question, "Why do it again?" We've seen it all before with different people.

For me, the marvellous Ricky Tomlinson's Mike Bassett scored the winner. There's a rematch, C4 vs ITV1, next week at the same time.

East Is East, York Theatre Royal

FAMILIES at war are the stuff of theatrical drama. The one in Ayub Khan-din's award-winning play are in Salford in 1970 where a collision of cultures - a sort of East/West pile-up - is explored through George Khan, his British wife Ella and their six children.

George isn't known by his offspring as Genghis for nothing. He tries to maintain traditional Pakistani values, such as forcing his sons to marry girls from Bradfordistan, while they embrace modern ways like bacon butties and girlfriends behind his back.

Damian Cruden's energetic production is played out on Laura McEwen's effective setting against a soundtrack of 70s hits. The laughter and the tears are carefully balanced, culminating in the family gathering from hell in which a piece of art representing female genitalia plays a key role.

Janys Chambers' Ella emerges as a powerful portrait of a woman caught in the crossfire between her domineering, violent husband and her rebellious children. Marc Anwar's George is a monster blind to the emotional havoc he's creating.

Sarah Parks' Auntie Annie has marvellous comic moments as the family busybody, while the Khan children - John Afzal, Damian Asker, Davood Ghadam, Rokhsaneh Ghawan-Shahidi, Chris Nayak and Adam Deacon's Parka-wearing Sajit - provide contrasting views on the young's attitude to East/West relations.

What's good about East Is East is that, despite the seriousness of the themes, Khan-din has fashioned a play that's both joyful and hilarious.

l Until October 8. Tickets (01904) 623568.

Steve Pratt