THE past catches up with Danny Baldwin in Coronation Street (ITV1) when he learns that his father has died. As well as the funeral, this can mean only one thing - relatives will coming crawling out of the woodwork and cause all manner of complications.

Danny and his brother, Underworld knicker boss Mike, manage to put their differences aside to pay their last respects. Danny is reunited with his mother Viv and, determined to support his remaining parent, takes his mum back to Weatherfield to look after her. Quite what Leanne, his bit of stuff on the side will think of this new domestic arrangement, doesn't bear repeating in a family newspaper.

The path of true lust isn't going smoothly for Sean, possibly the only gay in Weatherfield. He's turned into an animal lover to get close to Tim, the vet he fancies. How romantic, sharing poop scoop duties together.

It all goes horribly wrong when, having spoken at great length about his canine companion, Sean has to produce a dog for the date. Even worse, it has to answer to the name Bella Sinead, the monicker he's made up for his imaginary pet. If only he'd chosen a simpler name like Rover, things might have gone better.

Animal trouble too for Scooter, following his liberation of the endangered fish. Gail the hamster helps him prepare his defence ("I was going to have them with a nice plate of chips with tomato ketchup on") and he gives an impassioned speech in court.

The police may be called to Audrey's hair salon as Maria and Fiz are at loggerheads, trying to give each other a short back and sides. The cause of the trouble is Maria's parents leaving the kennel firm to Fiz and Kirk. But Maria really shouldn't have suggested that Fiz would smell doggy after spending so much time at the kennels. Fiz picks up a shower attachment and drenches Maria. We always knew she was a bit wet.

Alfie Moon does a runner in EastEnders (BBC1), probably the wisest move after Slater sisters Kat and Little Mo come close to rumbling that he's dating both of them.

Kat turns up offering a massage, removes her clothes and climbs into his bed. Isn't the person receiving the massage supposed to strip? Before you can say 'knicker elastic' Little Mo has arrived, armed with a bottle of wine and the intention of a romantic evening.

Alfie does the only sensible things - he legs it to Hastings where, if the Slater girls catch up with him, there could be a battle that would make the scrap between William and Harold look like a Quaker convention.

The Romeo and Juliet of Albert Square, Leo and schoolgirl mum Demi, can't bear to be parted, so they run away together, but not to Hastings. Sharon announces that she wants Dirty Den at her wedding. Considering he's buried under the concrete in the Queen Vic, he may not be in a position to fulfill her dream. Besides, he'd be a bit smelly.

What is it about Andy Sugden and fire? In Emmer dale (ITV1), he managed to torch the barn with his mother and her toyboy lover inside. Now he's caught out when brother Robert plots revenge by setting fire to the barn and forcing Andy to sell a valuable field to the King family.

All this arson about leads to tragedy with Jimmy King skewered on a pitchfork like a takeaway kebab and Andy lying unconscious in the blazing barn thanks to a thumping from Cain. Sam Dingle, who doesn't appear capable of tying his shoelaces let alone reproducing, is back with girlfriend Alice and an announcement - she's pregnant. Just what we want, another Dingle.

Bob Hope gets a date via a video dating agency, only to find the woman is far too much like his ex Viv. New girlfriend Avril has great fun winding up Viv tighter than an old watch.

Published: 21/07/2005