IT is a fact of life that most dads have small wardrobes compared to mums. My wife has six wardrobes full of clothes while I have one small wardrobe half full of clothes, most of which have not been replaced for years. This is because, like most dads, all my money goes on my wife and children before I've seen any of it.

So when the kids asked the other day if I had any old clothes they could have to make a Guy Fawkes, I knew I'd be struggling to come up with anything.

My wife has more clothes than she knows what to do with. She has outfits that cost a fortune but have only been worn once. But there was absolutely nothing in my solitary wardrobe that I could afford to throw on a bonfire - not even the pair of old green cords I've had for at least ten years. When you haven't got much, you have to keep hold of what you've got - that's my motto.

The kids looked crestfallen. "What about that old jacket," said our eldest.

"That's my best jacket," I told him.

There was nothing else for it. We decided to go off to Grandad's house to nick some of his old clobber.

"Why don't we just use Grandad as a guy because he looks like one already," said senior son. "He's even got a flat cap." Grandad wasn't in but Grandma obligingly produced a pair of his trousers, a checked shirt, an old hat, tie, gloves and socks.

I have to admit that I quite fancied the shirt but there's only so much disappointment a dad can heap on his kids.

We spent the afternoon stuffing Mr Fawkes with old newspapers - copies of The Northern Echo, of course, because there's so much more in it than other newspapers - and sewing his bits together.

It was when we came to giving him a face that the row broke out. Grandma had made him a head out of an old pillow and Christopher, aged ten, wanted him to have a smiley face.

"He can't have a smiley face, he has to have a sad face," declared Hannah, aged eight.

"Smiley," insisted Christopher.

"He can't be smiley because he's going to be put on a bonfire and you wouldn't be smiling if you were gonna be put on a bonfire because it would burn you and hurt you and you'd start to cry so he can't be smiley, he'd be stupid if he was smiley."

She burst into tears and wouldn't talk to anyone for an hour until we reached a compromise agreement - that the Guy should be neither smiling nor crying.

Sometimes, I think I should work for the United Nations. Guy ended up with a straight-mouthed look, completely bereft of any emotion. He travelled back home in the front seat of the car and it goes without saying that he wore his seat-belt.

Mum was in the kitchen making the tea when we got home. By the time she came into the lounge, our guy was sitting on the settee, watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with the TV remote control in his glove.

"Hi Grandad - how are you?" she said without hesitation. The kids fell around laughing. Even now we're not entirely sure whether she was joking.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

A child overheard saying The Lord's Prayer at Harrowgate Hill Junior School in Darlington: ". . .Give us this day, Our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us, And lead us not into Bank Top Station."

DID YOU KNOW?

The New Millennium 2000 Diary's list of "Notable Dates" does not include Father's Day but does include Mothering Sunday.

How dare they?

l Visit the Dad At Large website on www.thisisthenortheast.co.uk/leisure/ dad.htm