Has the hyphen reached the end of the line?

Hyphens have become the wisteria of the printed page, which is to say that they've spread uncontrollably. The pesky thing interposed nine times in two short items in last week's column, and usually when least expected.

A printer would say that the line of type has to be justified, and (no doubt) that the end justifies the means. A probation officer would insist that it has to go straight.

We no longer have printers, only computers, and in their sight - as Psalm 143 almost observed - shall no man be justified.

Peter, himself a commercial printer and stationer, took particular umbrage last week at the way that toer-ags was broken up, but has seen worse - auto-hyphens he calls them - elsewhere.

From the pages of The Times, he supposes that "pronoun-cement" might prove heavy going and that a "brains-canner" might all too well sum up the effect of that fearful machine on the poor patient's grey matter.

Worst, he reckons, was a long gone Yorkshire Post report - spotted when he was a print student in Leeds - about the extent of the royal estates, and particularly the number of houses owned by the Duke of Edinburgh.

The statement that "Prince Philip has a large old man-sion" was divided from the bottom of one column to the top of the next.

How do you justify that? The hyphen, perhaps, has reached the end of the line.

ALAN Archbold from Sunderland drops a line, too, enclosing some of the latest promotional guff for Caffrey's equally ubiquitous ale - recently reduced from a strength of 4.9 per cent (alcohol by volume) to 4.2.

They are serpent words. "Easier drinking" they promise, and "Less is more" and "Enjoy your night, enjoy your morning after."

Alan - "no personal axe to grind, I've never tasted the stuff" - concedes that he could be being cynical but wonders if the bottom line might be that the punter can now sup more before staggering home.

Cynical, nothing. Headlined "A new recipe for success", we discover in the Publican Newspaper - aimed at those in the licensed trade - a Caffrey's ad that provides all the evidence Alan needs.

After claiming that its strength was "rather higher than expectations" it adds: "With the retail price premium it can command, Caffrey's now offers improved profits through higher levels of consumption."

Justification, or what?

THE Australian cricket team, en route to losing the Ashes, stopped off at the site and memorials that mark the Battle of Gallipoli. A leader in last Wednesday's Daily Telegraph applauded them.

"What an inspiration it might be to some of our young if schools, which sometimes appear to organise rather pointless expeditions, were to follow the Australian example."

The same day's Northern Echo, perchance, reported that 36 pupils from a North-East comprehensive were back from visiting the First World War graves at Ypres.

"When you pass cemetery after cemetery it brings home to students what happened during the war much more vividly than is possibly in the classroom," said history teacher Hylton Balmer.

The kids were from Sunnydale school in Shildon - and where Shildon leads, of course, the rest of the world will always follow in the end.

THAT same day's Telegraph, incidentally, carried a story about a church in Wales that has been obliged to improvise because of a shortage of bell ringers at weddings.

Guests are divided either side of the aisle as the bride leaves the church. Half say "Ding", the others "Dong."

"It has worked very well," said the vicar.

"Some people were dinging when they should have been donging, but apart from that it was a wonderful day," said one of the campanology followers.

The Guardian, meanwhile, reported the same day that a "very lively" meetings of the Central Council or Church Bell Ringing's "rules and reasons" committee had given the Birmingham church of St Martin-in-the-Bullring permission to ring a peal of 16 bells "instead of the hitherto universal 15".

The permission is "provisional". As probably they reminded themselves at Gallipoli, there'll always be an England - and we should be very thankful.

STILL on foreign fields, and a letter from Alan Ebbs in France - sent to the column by his mum in Middlesbrough - seeking information on the fan club for spiky haired 1960s singer Joe Brown (and his Bruvvers) once run by BBC Radio Cleveland presenter Stan Laundon.

Via our old friend John Briggs, who runs the Dave Clark Five fan club, we discover not only that Stan Laundon now lives in France, too, but that Joe Brown was a locomotive fireman in Cricklewood and turned 60 a couple of weeks back.

Since we are unable to read Alan's address, would his mum please pass on the message from home that the Bruvverhood is now at PO Box 4, Haverhill, Suffolk CB9 0JQ or online at rockpics.co.uk

AGES since we registered an unusual car number plate, so what of I iG - parked outside Darlington's main post office and barely 20 yards from the improbable headquarters of Mission Antarctica. Is it Antarctica they have igloos in, or is that penguins? Or could it, a bit of a cold starter, simply be Robert Swan?

DISCUSSING mondegreens, of fond memory, we noted a few weeks back that beneath the sign "Mersey Docks and Harbour Board" a Scouse wag with an ear for a metre had added...."and little lambsy divies."

Ian Forsyth from Durham recalls after a long gone interview at Liverpool University he spotted a church notice board with the message: "What would YOU do when Christ comes again?" Beneath it was the response: "Move St John to outside right."

...And finally after all this time, the column's word on the election. Without accompanying note, someone has sent the election address for John Booth, a distinctly lower case independent candidate for Hartlepool.

Mr Booth, it transpires, was a fledgling reporter on the Auckland and Aycliffe Chronicles (deceased) though we are unable to remember him.

His watchword is "Integrity", his address "Honesty House".

The first word of his personal introduction to the voters north of the Tees suggests he has both in abundance.

It's "Yorkshireman".

Published: 06/06/2001