A bit like tomorrow's Lions crunch, the 1907 amateur soccer match between England and Holland at Feethams was reckoned by The Northern Echo to "mark a new epoch in international football."

England's right-half that December day was William Osborne Cleminson, a Bishop Auckland cabinet maker who played in the Northern League for Darlington and later for Shildon, Bradford Park Avenue and Plymouth Argyle.

The Lions captain, of course, is Martin Johnson. His middle name's Osborne. Willie Cleminson was his great grandfather.

"I really think we can do it in Australia," says John Cleminson - Martin's uncle, Willie's grandson - who still lives in Darlington.

Great grandad's big day - admission sixpence, stands sixpence and a shilling extra - was made more special because it was the first time any England team had faced foreign opposition in an international.

What is now FIFA had been formed just weeks earlier; England's professional side didn't play an overseas team until the following year.

The Echo, doubtless employing its Insight team, suggested that Saturday morning that a "fast, even game was anticipated against the Dutch."

Two days later, under a tier of headlines topped by "The football school", we reported upon England's 12-2 landslide.

"The football public likes nothing better than seeing goals scored, but when they are showered upon them with sickening rapidity it naturally compels one to look for some other feature of the game over which to enthuse," we added a little churlishly.

Some other feature? "The Dutch," we concluded, "were often too fast for the ball."

Future Olympian Ronnie Brebner, another Darlington player, kept goal. South Bank captain Arthur Prest won his only cap, J E Raine of Sunderland also played.

Cleminson, we reported, was outstanding. "Faced by a speedy winger, he was invariably master of the situation."

The Dutch ("mere babes at the pastime") took it in good heart, enjoyed a post-match banquet at the Kings Head, were home in time for Christmas.

Elsewhere on December 21 1907 we noted that Guisborough Red Rose had been suspended for two weeks after their spectators threw mud at the referee, Newcastle United won 4-2 at Sunderland, Darlington - displaced - won a Northern League fixture 5-0 at Scarborough and the Rev George Gill, Vicar of Carlton Husthwaite, had broken his leg whilst playing hockey against Thirsk.

Darlington St Augustine's Northern League game at Leadgate Park had to be postponed, the train travelling visitors having been left up Wear Valley Junction.

Back, anyway, to William Osborn Cleminson, who died, aged 45, whilst running for a train at Bank Top station. His son Bill, a formidable cricketer with Cockerton - "any fielder unwise enough to attempt to intercept one of his shots would have plenty of time to discover if Emergency Ward Ten was like the real thing," the Northern Despatch once observed - died in 1972 whilst taking a quick single against Aldbrough St John.

Hilary, Bill's daughter, is Martin Johnson's mum. John Cleminson's her brother. "Martin's completely different off the field, wouldn't hurt a fly," says John, who played football for Shildon in the 1960s.

Hilary, a former Darlington Harrier now living in Leicestershire, became at 47 the oldest athlete to win a full England vest - 100k, 1991 - used to beat her strapping son over six mile training runs and is now in Australia at his magnanimous expense.

Before leaving, she gave an interview to The Sun in which Weetabix was mentioned twice. "Very clever lady my sister," says John. "They'll probably get free Weetabix for life."

Without Sky TV, he watched the first test at Darlington rugby club, the second at the RA and - hoping to keep success in the family - plans to take in the showdown at Mowden Park RFC.

A forecast? "Well, I'd absolutely love it if we won. Another 12-2 would do nicely."

A beer with John Cleminson at the Travellers Rest in Darlington, for whom (as we have previously remarked) affable Alf Duffield - Middlesbrough FC's chairman in the dark days of the 1980s - plays his dominoes.

Though they lost a first place play-off, one of Alf's teams has finally been promoted.

Ferryhill Athletic, among the region's best known football clubs, are in trouble again.

Three times Northern League champions, twice Amateur Cup quarter-finalists, they lost their Darlington Road ground in 1995, folded in 1997 and were enthusiastically re-formed in the Wearside League a year later.

Now Norman Bellwood finds himself chairman, secretary and programme editor, hasn't a manager and wonders for how long things can carry on as they are.

"I'm having great difficulty getting people to rally round," he admits. "It may partly be because people think there's no hope of getting back to the old ground."

The prospect, however, is very much alive. Ferryhill Town Council has bought the ground at auction in London and put funding proposals to the Football Foundation which will involve the old home, the existing Dean Bank park and the land in between.

"It would be a fantastic community facility," says council executive officer Jamie Corrigan, who believes Ferryhill - population 8,000 - may have more football teams per head than anywhere in the North-East.

"We've 21 teams on our pitches and others from Ferryhill who play outside the town. It's a bit like Hartlepool, where there are seven rugby clubs."

Most of them, adds Jamie, he seems to have played for.

In the new complex, he hopes, there'd be scope for a playing area to Wearside League or Northern League standard. Norman Bellwood hopes so, too.

"There've already been two Ferryhill Athletics," says Norman. "If anything happened, I don't think there'd be a third." He's on 01388 451065.

Maybe because there's not much football to write about, Sunderland fanzine The Wearside Roar carries a letter from Mark Metcalfe about Rangers manager Dick Advocaat and his Celtic counterpart Martin O'Neill meeting God to discuss an Old Firm peace plan.

The spectators, it's explained, will be taught to live in harmony. Does God think it'll work?

He strokes his long white beard. "Well," says God, "it'll take some time and to be honest I don't think it'll happen in either of your lifetimes but, yes, I think it will work."

Delighted, the managers are heading back to earth when they meet Peter Reid and Bobby Robson heading in the opposite direction. They, too, want to give peace a chance - does God think it will work?

He looks at them intently, ponders deeply. "Well," says God, "not in my lifetime it won't."

Still on matters celestial, our old friends from Sessay, near Thirsk, played Wolviston on Sunday in the regional final - the last 16 - of the National Village Cricket Cup. Coincidence, no doubt, the game was due to end at about the same time as a special Songs of Praise service struck up in the parish church.

Still, with Wolviston 34-4, Sessay must have been rehearsing their lines. That's when the heavens opened and the match was abandoned. God moves in a mysterious way.

Alan Archbold from Sunderland was talking cricket with veteran Boldon player and groundsman Mike Fitzimmons when Bulldog Billy Teesdale ineluctably arose.

Hardest man I ever met, said Mike, recalling the occasion when the Bulldog, facing a young buck bowling short, removed his helmet and flicked on the next bouncer with a header of which Niall Quinn would have been proud.

We have put this strange story to Bulldog Billy, pride of Evenwood, who denies it on two counts - firstly he's never played against Boldon, secondly he never wore a helmet.

Mind, he adds, there was once a ball which accidentally cannoned off his head.

"It went for four, of course."

and still with head lines, Bishop Auckland Cricket Club chairman Keith Hopper seeks guest players for Kingsway friendlies against the RAF (July 24-25), Bridlington (July 27) and Walthamstow on August 14. He's on 01325 332663.

Walthamstow Avenue, we recall, were the team that beat Shildon 3-1 in an FA Amateur Cup quarter-final replay, February 28 1959.

"I know," says the ageless Hopper, "I scored the only goal with a header."

Kevin O'Beirne kindly sends a cutting from The Crack, a Newcastle based style magazine, about a five-a-side football tournament for lesbians that kicks off in the city on Sunday.

After checking that tongues weren't in cheeks - "It's true, very true," said someone at The Crack - we feel unable to improve upon the original:

"The cost is £2.50 per team and teams must comprise both butch and femme lesbians. Teams fielding only butch players will be barred.

"Each team must also have a 'Mrs Taylor'.

A Mrs Taylor is a non-football playing lesbian who has never played before, doesn't understand the rules and is normally a dizzy blonde. Points will be deducted from teams without a Mrs Taylor.

"Topless teams are encouraged to enter, as are cheerleaders, mascots, strippers and lap dancers....football boots, irritating girl friends, rowing couples, pantomime cows and overly competitive teams are not allowed. All competitors must wear skirts. Anyone wearing a nurse's outfit will gain free entry to the competition."

The tournament is in Exhibition Park.

The goalkeeper who between 1981-93 played for three different clubs and didn't miss a match for any of them (Backtrack, July 10) was Dave Beasant - with Wimbledon, Chelsea and Newcastle United.

A swifty - what's the lowest score that can't be made with a single dart?

The column is now off to an instructive FA weekend in deepest Northamptonshire but trusts to be back on the oche on Tuesday.

Published: 13/07/2001