Who's a pretty boy, then, and smart too!

After all, other than the ceiling, what is there to look at? Worse, a nonchalant glance at a blusher or a lipstick could be misinterpreted as interest by a passing assistant.

These days, of course, we are assured there is no need to be embarrassed.

Male grooming is a burgeoning phenomenon and we can cast aside our inhibitions, join the queue for moisturisers and even slap on products we are assured will help us look younger, fresher, more alive.

In fact, the marketing people says that in the 1990s men moved on from Brylcreem and into a world of myriad gels and soaps, shampoos and scruffers, now rivalling the range for women.

So, given an opportunity to try a complete makeover, it seemed to refuse would be to risk being labelled a dinosaur.

Don't shave and dress down, I was told - the logic being that there would need to be a clear distinction between the "before" and "after" pictures for the paper. And so I presented myself at Barkers in Northallerton - one of North Yorkshire's most exclusive department stores.

The staff, of course, were charming, even though I felt they thought I had perhaps overdone the dressing-down part. I was smoothly passed into the care of beauty consultant, Sandra Bartram - who promptly confirmed my worst fears: the cosmetic part of my personal makeover would be done at the counter in the middle of the department store in full view of passing customers. What happened next is still a blur...

I listened as best I could to what was probably good advice about skincare. I sat still while, first, soap, then a scruffing lotion, and then moisturiser, were applied to my freshly-shaven face which, by now, was beginning to feel a bit like a smacked bottom.

What I won't forget, though, are the looks on the faces of two men who walked by, one snorting derision and nudging the other as they passed.

I can only hope both are reading this and better understand the motives of the bloke in the red polo shirt they found so amusing.

But perhaps my experience also illustrates - despite what the marketing gurus tell us - that not all men are yet ready to embrace the concept of cosmetics. Personally, I discovered I am not completely averse to the idea, though I would prefer it if no one else was looking.

Modern cosmetics for men actually date back to the days when David Bowie was going through his Ziggy Stardust phase in the mid-1970s.

However, it was the arrival of blokes' magazines of the Loaded genre over the past decade which the industry credits with raising awareness of the products available.

"Men are vain, too. They want to look their best at work, home or out on the town. They are not satisfied with borrowing women's skincare products any more. They want products that are specially designed for men's skin," says a spokeswoman for Clinique, which now sells a range of cosmetics in 22 countries. "Men are more willing to experiment with grooming products and buy based on a product's performance, a brand's identity or a lifestyle need. They know that grooming goes beyond a morning shave. Men are also stepping up their use of daily sun protection and anti-ageing products.''

But is this all so much hype or is it really happening out there in department stores across the land?

Back at Barkers, Sandra confirmed that there really does appear to be a growing number of men happy to buy their own skincare products rather than sending their wives or girlfriends - although most are under 25.

"I even sold some skincare products to a teenager who came back to recommend it to his mum a bit later,'' she says. "There's no doubt it is one of the fastest-growing markets at the moment."

Even with the cosmetics done, my personal makeover was not yet complete. Next, I was escorted within the same store to the only Magee franchise in England where I was to be dressed in suitable attire for a modern man-about-town.

Fast Show jokes over and done with, consultants John Clasper and David Alderton worked quickly. My hand was soundly slapped for doing up a button on a wool tweed Oxford jacket in a rust check; apparently, fastening more than one can ruin the hang of a quality garment - and both Mr Clasper and Mr Alderton fit their stereotype in that they are sticklers for perfection.

Next came the shocking discovery that my waist had expanded another inch as I was measured for cords. And, after being handed a yellow shirt - much more me - a gold-coloured tie and some glossy brown brogues, I was safely in the sanctuary of a changing cubicle where I could come to terms with the fact that, with a natural ability to look more like Columbo, I was never going to do such elegant attire justice.

Nevertheless, suitably admiring noises were made as I emerged, rather self-consciously, to stand before the mirror to admire the finished product.

Suits you sir? Well, perhaps if I was one of the county set. After all, the clothes I was standing in were worth a few pounds short of £500. But, if I am honest, my eye was drawn inexorably to the understated dark suits hanging on the racks in the background.

I will admit though, that I enjoyed the personal service, but the demands of modern life have led most men to buy off-the-peg, spending as little time as possible choosing clothes.

"Tailoring and personal service are certainly on the decline," admits Mr Alderton. "However, as Magee is a brand with a long history of quality, we can still have suits made specifically for an individual customer, as long as the measurements are within the boundaries or certain templates. What we try to achieve today is a mix of the traditional with the contemporary."

Which is all very well - if you have the cash to meet the cost, of course.

It was nice to pretend I did, even if it was just for a few hours. With help from the professionals, I now know I can brush up quite well if I want to.

However, I also have to admit a little guiltily that once I was back in jeans, trainers and red polo shirt, I felt very comfortable.

Suits me, Sir...