Another year of sporting highs and lows closes for the Backtrack column. There have been abundant pleasures and far too many sadnesses, an awful lot of miles, a few hours round the 5s and 3s board and more sportsmen's dinners than can be good for any one person. Chiefly the annual review is a chance to thank the very many readers who make it possible. Mike Amos takes stock of the column's 17th full season.

Goodbye to...

Charlie Thomas, 93, life vice-president of the FA and former manager of Shildon.

Charlie Mitten, Newcastle United's £3,000 a year manager from 1959-61 and later manager of White City dog track.

Janet Stubbs, 70, Darlington cricket club's scorer since 1974 and wearer of a T-shirt proclaiming: "I can barely remember my own name, so please remind me of yours."

Kingsway. The Auckland and District League, after 110 years.

Harry Dixon, 81, Tow Law FC's treasurer and benefactor for almost 50 years and also the old fashioned sub-postmaster. Harry, it's said, would take the sums home to see if the computer had got it right.

Billy Ayre, 49, former teacher, footballer and manager and one of the nicest men in the game. "Management can be very stressful," he once told the column, "but at least I don't have to worry about an Ofsted inspection."

Noel Heaton, a driving force in the Darlington and District League and in umpiring.

Ray Wood, Hebburn lad and former Busby Babe, who decided against joining Sunderland when asked after a trial what his bus fare had been. "One and tenpence ha'penny," said Ray and was given three ha'pence change from two bob.

The beautiful cricket ground at Rievaulx.

Harry Sharratt and Jack Washington, Bishop Auckland goalkeepers of great distinction.

Hilary Johnson, 57, Darlington girl and mother of England's rugby captain, who became at 47 the oldest British athlete ever to win a first international vest.

John Walsh, 71, former secretary of Durham FA.

Hunter Cummings, 80, president of the Durham County Cricket League and former 14 hours a day man at Tudhoe.

Terry Hunt, 60, skipper of the Tow Law team which beat Mansfield Town 5-1 in the FA Cup.

Arthur Metcalfe, 64, Hartlepool based cyclist and winner of the 1964 Tour of Britain.

Quotes...

"He didn't learn it from me" - Albany Northern League president and former headmaster George Courtney, after former pupil Gary Lormor appeared in front of the committee for swearing.

"We are pursuing the irregularities and expect to resolve the problem soon" - FA letter in 1973 on inconsistencies in the "non-league" disciplinary system. They're still being pursued.

"Gloves are for puffs" - the Hartlepool Mail considers footballers' latest fashion.

"You've just found a one" - top referee and former traffic policeman Peter Willis, told by a speeding motorist that he'd been looking for a ****house.

"Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill" - motto of Sedgefield Winkers FC.

"Sorry, I put the television remote control in my pocket by mistake" - an Over 40s League club secretary explains why he didn't ring in the score.

"I no longer have need to know the time" - former Football League referee George Tyson on why he never wears a watch.

"He's certainly not here for the money" - former Crook Town secretary Alan Stewart fails to explain Newcastle United defender Kevin Scott's presence in the team.

"I'm so much better a writer for being thin" - author and Sunderland season ticket holder Terry Deary.

"Chuffed tae little humbugs" - Gretna vice-chairman Ian Dalgleish, after the club gained Scottish League entry.

Useless information...

* The Nigerian national anthem sounds like O Little Town of Bethlehem.

* Julius Caesar, known to his friends as Julie, opened the batting for Surrey and England and still has a descendant in Sandhutton, near Thirsk.

* Stotfold FC play at Roker Park.

* Prague is a bar in Whitley Bay and offers sex on the beach. It's a cocktail.

* Brigg Town once played in the grounds of a convent and were purged with buckets of cold water after every game.

* Jimmy Clitheroe was 4ft 3ins tall.

* Left-handers are forbidden to play polo.

* Bemerton Heath Harlequins v Great Wakering Rovers was the FA Vase tie with most letters in the club names since the competition began in 1974.

* Ashington FC manager and former Carlisle United manager Tony Harrison was an extra on Supergran - "£55 a day and as many bacon sandwiches as you could eat."

* Ambrose Griffiths, Roman Catholic Bishop of Hexham and Newcastle, has switched his football allegiance to Sunderland - "disgusted" at Newcastle's financial management.

Excursions...

* London, to see former Spurs and England centre forward Bobby Smith, originally from East Cleveland. "He wouldn't win a best dressed pensioner award," the column concluded, "not even in Palmers Green."

* Lewes, county town of Sussex, where they burn the Pope and not Guy Fawkes on November 5.

* Ash United v Tow Law - "like playing on mince," someone said.

* Colchester on a whim, but in time to see Michael Gough hit his first century in three years for Durham.

* Villa Park, where Whitley Bay won the FA Vase.

* The Hilton Hotel, Birmingham, where a room's £245 but still £55 cheaper than the overnight cost of keeping a prisoner in Birmingham police station.

* Buxton, ten rolls of wallpaper among the raffle prizes.

* Clitheroe, birthplace of Jimmy.

* Brigg Town, home of the Zebras.

* Coventry, but still no one can explain why people are sent there...

Winners...

Former Hartlepool United chairman Garry Gibson, now with an MSc in entrepreneurial studies.

Brandon Sports Club, who marked their first football win in two years with a £3 99 bottle of Somerfield champagne.

Newton Aycliffe Over 40s secretary Joanne Smith, refused post-match entry to Hartlepool Catholic Club - for not being a man - but awarded a league tankard for bravery.

Esh Winning goalkeeper Lenny French, a clean sheet for over 1,000 minutes.

H'Angus the Monkey.

North Bitchburn batsman Graham Dalton, a first century at 46.

Marske pro Fahim Fazal, a century in 59 minutes.

Tanya Liversedge, Darlington RFC Ladies' player of the year and all comers' drinking champion - a pint in 3.,5 seconds.

John Robinson and Michael Burrows, 11-year-old British gymnastic champions from Ushaw Moor.

Barry Johnson, Shildon lad, the first Englishman to win the Scottish rally driving championship.

Darlington insurance broker Steve Davis, 50, three golds in the World Masters cycling championships.

The Grey Horse on Bank Top, Darlington, winners for the third time in four years of the British 5s and 3s championships.

Losers...

Former Darlington striker David Speedie, 42, sent off in a Masters tournament billed as "a chance to meet old friends."

England darts international Doug McCarthy, beaten 5-4 by the column (at dominoes.)

Former Sunderland defender Dickie Ord, sent off for Durham City before he even got on.

Paul Dempsey, 17, fined and banned for spitting at and attempting to head butt an opponent - whilst playing for Hebburn Christian Fellowship.

Southport youth team, 6-1 at Chester-le-Street, after arriving two hours late because the bus driver's hours expired at Bowburn.

The column, speaking unheard at Darlington Rugby Club's annual dinner.

Tow Law FC, charged £50 compo when a ball over the fence killed two koi carp.

Further useless information...

* En route to Chester-le-Street in May, the Sri Lankan cricket team bought every pair of long johns in the Meadowhall centre in Sheffield.

* A snow plough was seen in Tow Law on July 5.

* Singer Alan Price turned down a Sunderland directorship when they wanted £100,000.

* Actor Richard Harris drinks in a London pub called the Coal Hole.

* Liz Hurley's new baby is another Charlie Hurley.

* Armadale, like Pisa, has a leaning tower.

* Barnsley FC's mascot in 1910 was a donkey called Amos.

* Hugo Viana, Newcastle United's number 45, has the highest outfield number in the Premiership.

* West Auckland FC give away copies of Jurgen Klinsmann's biography to all spectators (and can hardly give it away.)

* Faustino Asprilla is a dab hand on the bongos.

Old friends...

Hodgy, though he never really explained that black eye; John Dawson, 217 football matches last season; Dr Graeme Forster and his charming new lady friend - "a Morticia to his Gomez"; Bulldog Billy Teesdale, Billy Fury lookalike; Surreal Neil, who collects telephone exchanges.

Midnight Cowboy Allen Bayles, who cracked two ribs when falling off the toilet; Ron Hails, evergreen; Tony "Jesus" Day, not too clever and not just the gin and dandelion and burdock to blame; Vince Kirkup, top of the hill; John Briggs, who among very much else noticed that the Piccadilly line was closed "due to an incident at Arsenal" and surmised that Arsene Wenger wouldn't have seen it.

Golden oldies...

Ray Pallister, 71, 6-16 in six overs for Durham III; Kelloe lad Barry Parnaby, 70, record breaker in the North-East over 70s triathlon; Brent "Bomber" Smith, 50, 63 wickets at 5.52 for Stafford Place, Thornaby; Grand National winner Denys Smith, retiring from training at 78; Dave Morrison, 59, allegedly hanging up his wicket keeping gloves; Jack Watson, ageless.

More quotes...

"New stock is taking longer than expected for the suppliers to deliver on time" - notice in Darlington FC's club shop.

"A result that most of Scotland would like to see repeated" - World Cup willies from the Daily Record after Brazil robots beat England robots 6-2 at Heriot-Watt University.

"Where I come from, www stands for Walcott, Worrall and Weekes" - North West Counties League secretary Geoff Wilkinson lays into the Internet.

"I've asked him to speak in words of no more than two syllables so you lot can understand" - Evenwood Town manager Ken Houlahan introduces sports science lecturer Mark Nesti to his charges.

"What's a syllable?" - Evenwood player.

"It was a Geordie lass's mating ritual, and it worked" - the column describes how Michelle Finch met husband Alan, boss of the Toffs replica shirts empire, by throwing bread buns at him during a works dinner.

"When we said we weren't Mackems they had a whip round" - Guisborough Town secretary Keith Smeltzer, after stumbling into a Langley Park pub wearing Town's red and white stripes.

"Michael Knighton is the same as me. All he's done wrong is make money" - Darlington FC chairman George Reynolds.

"Just because you are a football club chairman doesn't mean you should be treated like a paedophile parish when things go wrong on the pitch" - Michael Knighton.

"You might have a bit of a clatter but afterwards you shook hands. Now you consult your lawyer" - former Boro full-back Gordon Jones reflects on changing times.

Anniversaries...

Billingham Synthonia's floodlights, 50; Middlesbrough FC fanzine Fly Me To The Moon, 300 issues; Doghouse Cricket Club, 40; Coundon WMC, 60p a pint to mark its centenary; Pickhill pub landlord Edward Boynton, a flat jockey debut two days before his 50th birthday; Durham Senior Cricket League 100 not out; Willington CC ditto; Gateshead FC, reborn 25 years; Alan Peirson, 50 years as secretary of Kildale CC; Crook Town's highest gate - 17,000 on February 23 1952.

Minorities...

Body surfing - a dangerous sport, ask the Vicar of Peterlee; curling, conkers (every October in Trimdon), speedway (but not enough for Steve Harland's liking), Subbuteo (quite often), cheese rolling (15 injured and two taken to hospital), mascot racing, speed marching by world record breaking Catterick soldier Will McLennan whilst carrying a 40lb pack.

Where there's a Will, the column concluded, there's a weight.

Published: 20/12/2002