(Channel Five):TIME plays dirty tricks where Charlie's Angels are concerned. The name conjures up images of three hot chicks bouncing along, brandishing guns and boobs, as they chase the bad guys.

The reality, as the current afternoon re-runs on Five show, is very different. The episode I saw was so bad that not even the cosy glow of nostalgia could disguise just how dreary it all was.

Nothing could relieve the tedium. Not even Bosley, the Angels' controller, embarking on a new case with the words: "We start with Kelly getting pregnant."

Nothing sexual was intended (it might mess their perfect hair-dos). It was only pretend, a ruse to infiltrate a girls' home whose owners dealt in the buying and selling of babies. The establishment was run by a pair of women who made the warders in Bad Girls look like Mary Poppins.

While Kelly (Jaclyn Smith) was being reminded of the rules - no visiting after nine o'clock - Chris (Cheryl Ladd, who replaced Farrah Fawcett in the second series) was hanging out at a discotheque.

A bad guy pointed her in the direction of three "healthy and genetically sound" young men at the bar. "What would you say if I said one of those is going to father a child by you?", he asked Chris.

Before you could say something for the weekend, she was in a hotel room with one of the potential fathers, a man bearing a bottle of cheap champagne and baring his chest, thanks to a shirt open to the navel.

He was only impregnating young ladies to escape repaying his debts to the bad guys. He agreed with Chris that having sex was "better than gaining two broken legs". Not the most romantic declaration in the world, but you could follow his reasoning.

Like a good Sunday tabloid reporter investigating a sex scandal, he made his excuses and left before laying a hand on Chris. It was impossible to tell if she was disappointed as being an Angel involves very few facial movements, presumably for fear of disturbing their makeup.

They show little sign of being the action girls depicted in the big screen versions. This particular episode contained no action of any kind - and certainly not acting - until the last two-and-a-half minutes, as Chris and Sabrina pulled out their guns and fired a few shots. That was it.

Kelly, meanwhile, was helping deliver Marie's baby, despite having only ever seen it done on the TV. Fortunately she didn't give the same instructions as her fellow Angels did to the villains: "Freeze! Halt! Hold it!". Not what a mother giving birth wants to hear.

Published: ??/??/2003