TOPICAL advice from a certain Mr Markham, author in 1635 of The English Husbandman: "In this month of July, eschew all wanton bed-sports, and of all things forebear lettuce."

It's recalled in the monthly newsletter of the Frankenstein Sound Laboratory - per Kevin O'Beirne in Sunderland - which also points out that it's 1,381 years today since the Muslim era began.

Though ignoring Mr Markham, the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations recalls Beatrix Potter's Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies: "It is said that the effect of eating too much lettuce is soporific."

Cause and effect? Perhaps Webb's isn't so wonderful, after all.

HOWDEN-LE-WEAR Methodist Church's summer fair, which on Saturday we were invited officially to open, may admittedly not have been the general highlight of last weekend's social calendar.

There was Durham Big Meeting for one thing and - not two miles from Howden - North West Durham Constituency Labour Party's own summer fair in the Elite Hall at Crook.

It was opened by John Reid, the new Health Minister - the nearest that any Cabinet member got, or is ever again likely to get, to the Miners' Gala.

The two events have clashed for several years, apparently - a principal Labour gathering in a constituency which once had colliers in every other house and a workers' event which, paraphrased in three words, proclaims that unity is strength.

We put it to Tony Benn, agreeably encountered the previous afternoon. "I really wouldn't want to comment on that," he said - perhaps uniquely - but within ten seconds had described the clash as "amazing".

We also mentioned it in opening the Howden-le-Wear fair. "Shame," shouted a good Methodist lady.

They presented a splendid 2002 village history called Beechburn for Howden-le-Wear - Beechburn was the village railway station, on the Bishop Auckland to Crook line - and a very large bar of chocolate.

The book, enthusiastically read, now sits on the shelves. The chocolate, yet more eagerly devoured, is no more.

TONY Benn, about whom much more in tomorrow's John North column, was at a do in Willington. So, too, was former Durham County Council leader and local political veteran John Richardson.

Though it must be getting on for 20 years since we'd spoken, once we crossed paths regularly. He was a leading figure on the old Crook and Willington District Council, we wet-eared at the Press table.

Even then he thought little of the newspapers, less still of the new arrival from Shildon.

On Friday we were re-introduced. John, wearing well, clasped hands tightly before inveighing for a full five minutes against the ways of the world, the regenerative bias towards east Durham - "the eastern seaboard," he called it, and may well have a point - and, in particular, the dreadful feller from The Northern Echo.

"It's lovely to see you again," he added. Old times' sake, eh John?

THE Great North Walk through the Wear Valley is wonderful in healthy principle, fearful in recreational practice. Four thousand people steaming through the dale - what sort of a quiet country stroll is that?

Alone, approximately half the number that a good walk should have, we set off from Willington on the seven-mile hike - seriously uphill - through Stanley, blessed Stanley, to Tow Law.

On Stanley hill top, admiring the stupendous view, we tripped over a kerb, went A over T - as initially might be supposed - and limped with a bad back and considerable difficulty into Tow Law.

Among the first people encountered was a once-friendly solicitor. "If you're seeking legal redress I want to represent the County Council," he said, glancing sideways at the shambolic figure in front of him.

Though the back's still battered, there will be no compensation culture here.

HAD things worked out differently on Friday night, we were to have presented the inaugural Tow Law Town Charity Cup. Up there they expect a few lustrous words with which to polish it.

The plan was to talk about the general tediousness of pre-season football friendlies - the soporificness, as Flopsy Bunny might have said - and to suggest that, like cliches, they should usually be avoided like the plague.

Nigel Rees hid a similar theme in his 1984 book The Joy of Cliches, suggeHsting alternatively that they shouldn't be touched with a barge pole and forming a Cliche Advisory Committee, or CAC for short.

If we are not to avoid things like the plague, however, what other preventative measures might be taken?

Avoid them like middle-aged women holding clipboards on street corners? Avoid them like Tow Law Town committee members bearing raffle tickets? Avoid them like the number 213 bus?

Other ideas on how the plague might be eradicated much welcomed. CAC handed, we move on.

LAST week's column reproduced the car registration B16 PUB and wondered to whom it might be licensed.

After an early false alarm involving the Old Horn at Spennithorne, near Leyburn - that's B19 PUB - several readers pointed us towards Alan and Val Abrahams at the Moorlands in Castleton, North Yorkshire.

"The views are stunning and the food excellent. My wife and I called in for lunch last July and have been there every Sunday since," writes Tony Henderson by way of unsolicited testimonial.

B16 PUB? Clearly it pays to advertise.

EVEN more on its plate, last week's column also became all of a-quiver after seeing the steam locomotive Green Arrow at York station - and may have to make the most of it.

The National Railway Museum, says Doug Hardy in Darlington, is retiring the famous old steam engine next year because of problems with something called the mono-block casting. She'll still be on the 13.58 from York to Scarborough next Thursday, July 24, though.

For Martin Birtle, it stirred schoolboy memories of train spotting in Billingham, always the five o'clock express through the old station and pulled for two years by either Booklaw, Harvester or Sir Galahad, all class A3 locomotives.

One evening, however, the old faithfuls were replaced by The Flying Scotsman itself. "What people thought when ten urchins started doing backward somersaults has gone unrecorded, but we were chuffed (as a train spotter might be) beyond words."

Going to his usual great lengths, meanwhile, Tom Purvis in Sunderland points out that 60835 - The Green Howard, Alexandra; Princess of Wales's Own Yorkshire Regiment - no longer holds the record for the most expansive steam engine name.

In 1976 on Quorn station, Leicestershire, former LMS engine 5231 was named 3rd Volunteer Battalion, the Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters Regiment - 65 characters.

Thus, says Tom, the 3rd becomes 1st in the name game.

That's enough characters for another column, anyway. As probably they said in 1635, gan canny on the lettuce.

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