THE birth of a baby is a happy time in the real world. But in Soapland, such occasions are the maternity ward equivalent of the St Valentine's Day massacre. The panting and groaning of the mother in labour is nothing compared to the gnashing of teeth and grinding of axes by friends, relatives and the person who believes (often wrongly) he's the father.

So spare a thought for Lucy the florist as she gives birth to a baby boy in Coronation Street (ITV1). Lucy, for those unable to keep up with events in Weatherfield, married shifty Peter Barlow. He, the deceitful lad, forgot to mention that he was already engaged to Shelley the barmaid.

The marriage lasted all of five minutes. Lucy went off to await giving birth, while Peter returned to the Rovers to continue his marriage plans with Shelley.

It looked as if they would all have lived happily ever after - or at least until the soap police caught up with Peter the bigamist. Now Lucy is in labour and he's anxiously pacing the hospital corridor waiting to see whether he has a son or a daughter to add to the Barlow clan (although, the thought of anything approaching another Tracy Barlow is enough to boost the sale of contraceptives).

The big question now is whether Peter can stop coochy-coochy-cooing over his new born infant long enough to marry Shelley. As he misses the wedding rehearsal, so the signs aren't good.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, Steve is trying to track down his deceiving missus Karen for a spot of kissing and making up. Ciaran finds an impressive way to make Sunita go on a date with him that doesn't involve tying her up and blindfolding her.

Love is definitely in the air as Martin the nurse gives in to green-eyed jealousy when Jimmy the porter invites young Katy, who's been playing doctors and nurses with Martin, to the staff party.

Emmerdale (ITV1) cunningly manages to get a baby of dubious parentage and a hospital emergency into one plotline when an accident leaves baby Jean - daughter of schizophrenic, alcoholic, arsonist, drug-taking lesbian vet Zoe - in hospital. Scott is beside himself with worry when he hears the news because he's the secret father. The child was conceived when Zoe was drunk and he was disorderly.

Charity and Cain are forced together (not a pretty thought) at the B and B after Cain deliberately strands them there. Charity's hubby Chris Tate is not best pleased by this turn of events.

In a police cell, Louise and Diane take the opportunity to clear the air, something that's always advisable when several people are cooped up in an enclosed space for a long time.

Barry the most boring man in soap thinks someone loves him in EastEnders (BBC1). Only he could be deluded enough to think that Janine giving him a kiss is a sign of affection. More like the kiss of death knowing the previous record of this poisonous Walford resident.

Let's hope nobody gets ill in the Square in the near future as Doctor Anthony packs his bags and heads off to explore the big, wide world. Meanwhile, his ex-fiancee Kat's attempts to spend the night with Alfie of the Queen Vic are constantly thwarted.

Published: 03/07/2003