LADIES and gentlemen, in the red corner we have Tommy "Slugger" Harris, and in the blue corner we have Tyrone "Tubby" Dobbs.

The fight in Coronation Street (ITV1) will be mercifully short as fiery ginger nut Tommy, freed from the restrictions of the witness protection programme, lays into Tyrone with his fists for toying with his daughter Katy's affections (among other things).

The winner, by a good thumping, is Tommy. If only he'd picked on the right man to hit for sleeping with his daughter. The phone number left lying around the house by Katy may have been Tyrone's, but was only a cover for her hanky-panky with nurse Martin Platt.

Having bedded two of Weatherfield's most irritating women - Gail the hamster and Silly Sally - Martin decided to become a dirty old man and take up with schoolgirl Katy, who's young enough to be his daughter.

Another of the Street's young folk, Jason, is in trouble because of his age too. He crashes his car, injuring both himself and his father in the process. There's even worse news to come. As he lied about his age on his insurance, mum Eileen is left to foot the bill.

Archie the undertaker heads for fresh pastures. With Richard the serial killer dead and buried, trade has slumped and so he decides to leave Weatherfield. Audrey goes into mourning, wondering what she'll do for male companionship now.

Baby joy for Laura Beale in EastEnders (BBC1) turns to worry when her newborn son, who has jaundice, needs a blood transfusion.

Garry, who thinks he fathered the child, offers his blood only to have tests show that he can't be the father. The plot thickens. Laura's husband Ian had had a secret vasectomy, so who should the child call daddy?

Now that Lynne has left Garry (again), her father Charlie has some words of advice for her errant husband. Something along the lines of "If you're going to play away, wear a condom," might be considered appropriate.

Martin the tallest man in Soapland reaches his 18th birthday, so a party is in order. Kelly tries to make Ronnie jealous by snogging the birthday boy. Unfortunately Ronnie has other things on his mind (and lips) - her best friend Zoe, the one who told Ronnie that Kelly used to be on the game.

Pensioner Dot takes advantage of government plans to make us all work longer by returning to see people wash their dirty linen in public at the launderette.

More baby trouble in Emmerdale (ITV1) as Viv emphasises son Scott's rights as a father to baby Jean (the one who was dropped on her head). Strange that, glam Viv doesn't strike me as the sort of woman who wants to be identified as a grandmother.

Chris is breaking the speed limit in his wheelchair as he fumes over wife Charity getting closer to old love Cain.

There's more bad news for Chris after a visit to the doctor, and Lisa starts to worry about absent husband Zak after he fails to contact her on his South American trek.

Published: 24/07/2003