S is for SEX. You knew we had to get there sooner or later.

And it's probably sooner than you think. Tricky to think of your little boy having a sex life. But if it's any consolation, he probably thinks the same about you. Parents? Sex? Gross. Even though he's the living proof.

According to all the surveys, most teenagers are at it like rabbits all the time. Well yes, but that's just because that's how they answered the survey. But even allowing for exaggeration, by the time he hits his late teens, there's a fair chance that he's putting all those sex education lessons to practical use.

Let's just hope he was paying attention on the day they put the condom on the cucumber.

And if not, it's your duty to remind him. Gone are the days of talks about the birds and the bees. You can start off with ideas of mutual respect and restraint and move on to ideas of responsibility - emotional and practical.

And if all those fail, then just threaten to cut off his willy with a rusty bread knife. Might damage the psyche, but it certainly concentrates the mind.

This is also an age of SECRETS, not just about his sex life but about a lot of other things as well. "Where are you going?" "Out." "Who with?" "No one you know." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "Who was there?" "Nobody."

You attempt a conversation and it ends up sounding like an interrogation. All you need is the jack boots and the bright light.

Before you get furious with him, just think how much information you share or shared with your parents. Look upon it as need-to-know-basis and just be glad that you're not getting all the details. There are some things, believe me, that you really don't want to know.

Which leads us to

SOMETHING STUPID. This is what teenage boys excel at. They are often a joy to have in the family - generous, loving, intelligent, independent, adventurous, delightful, affectionate, hardworking and kind.

But sometimes they're just plain stupid. And quite often it's not deliberate malice - it's just that somehow their brains haven't grown into their bodies yet and their hormones are haywire. Anyway, they do really daft things. Often, funnily enough, with the most praiseworthy of motives.

Like the boy who lit a fire on the kitchen table. "I just wanted to see what would happen," he said, perplexed, to his mother. What happened was she hit the (smoke-stained) roof, the kitchen nearly burnt down and he lost his allowance for months.

They'll drink ten pints of lager "to see if I can" (he can't), try driving strange cars or ride motorbikes up steps. They'll saw legs off tables, have indoor barbecues or see if their coursework will float when dropped in the river.

This is also a great age for experimenting with drugs. Not necessarily to get stoned out of their skulls but simply to find out what it would be like if they did. Yes it's stupid, but it's done, somehow, in a spirit of inquiry and adventure, which ain't necessarily bad.

And when it all goes wrong they'll come looking for you to sort it out and come up with SOLUTIONS, because that's what parents are for.

But there is another S which could also save the day - SLEEP. Luckily, adolescents do an awful lot of this. They can easily manage 12 hours or more at a time. It might drive you mad, but don't knock it.

At least when they're sleeping you know where they are and that, with luck, they're keeping out of trouble.

Unless, of course, they're not alone in that bed.