IF you want to make a fortune sell confetti in Walford. Hardly a month goes by without someone getting married in EastEnders (BBC1) - usually hastily followed by betrayal and divorce, but that's another matter.

There's also a tendency in Soapland for either the bride or bridegroom to show reluctance to say "I do". They're more likely to say, "I don't", "I won't" or "Not bloody likely" after realising at the last minute that their intended is not all they thought.

And so Albert Square prepares for the nuptials of Kat Slapper, sorry Slater, and gangster Andy Hunter. This is no shotgun wedding, despite the bridegroom's penchant for shooters, but there are doubts it's a marriage made in heaven.

We all know that Alfie Moon is soppy for Kat. We all know that Kat is soppy for Alfie. But, after all their will they? won't they? dithering in the past, the pair are still unable to tell each other their true feelings.

As the big day dawns, the question Kate is asking herself is not "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" as "Are you sure you're marrying the right man?". I wouldn't like to be her if she does jilt Andy at the altar. He'll send his mates round to see her - and it won't be to offer their congratulations.

Meanwhile, Garry is proving an unlikely Don Juan. Or Don Two as he ends up with both wife Lynne and Laura, the mother of his baby (allegedly), in his bed. Not, I should hasten to add, at the same time. This is before the watershed, after all. Peter Two Wives Barlow quits Weatherfield after being dumped by Loose and thumped by Shell in Coronation Street (ITV1). He takes the hint, packs his bags and moves on. More matrimonial mayhem for Dev. Maya agrees to marry him, but only if he sacks Sunita who is astounded when Ciaran proposes again.

Martin feels his age when schoolgirl lover Katy's mates come round for the evening. He doesn't want to spend the night listening to Blue and talking about shades of lipstick.

Meanwhile, the matter of Fred's Transylvanian pies rumbles on like a empty stomach. There are demonstrations outside his butcher's shop, protesting at his culinary delights.

Baby news in Emmerdale (ITV1) as Charity appears in court on a murder charge and announces that she's pregnant. But whodunit - Cain or Marlon? Is it a Tate or a Dingle? Neither option is very appetising.

Published: 06/11/2003