THERE'S only one place to start this week - and that's at the simply fantastic Dunlop v Birtley derby match.

As Willington Under-15s had last Sunday off, I decided to get my weekly fix of youth football by watching Birtley - our opponents in two days' time.

I arrived five minutes after the scheduled kick-off time to find two sets of players mooching about and trying to keep warm on a cold, wet morning.

It transpired that the referee, booked by Dunlop, had not turned up.

In the Russell Foster Youth League, it is accepted practice for the home team to ask their visitors if they can provide a substitute ref.

So, after much prevarication, and with me considering whether to offer my services, the dad of a Birtley player volunteered to step into the breach.

The first half was relatively incident-free, the referee managing to keep both coaches happy with no trace of bias.

Shortly after half time, Birtley scored. There was no controversy about the goal, but it was then that the whingeing from Dunlop started.

The merry whistle-blower spent as much time talking to disgruntled spectators as he did trying to officiate the match.

(He even lectured the Birtley coach, ordering him to keep quiet as he could fight his own battles with Dunlop!)

Anyway, a minute from time, and completely against the run of play, Dunlop equalised.

Birtley immediately tried to retake the lead, and with time almost up they launched a high ball into the Dunlop penalty area.

There was a slight nudge from a Dunlop defender on a striker - the sort of challenge that had gone unpunished throughout the game.

Now, though, the referee from Birtley awarded a penalty to Birtley!

As the Birtley staff were wondering how they would get away from the ground without having to fight their way out, Dunlop meekly accepted the decision. To be fair, they were possibly so shell-shocked that Birtley predictions that there would be "hell on" were proved inaccurate.

The penalty was scored, the referee blew for full time almost immediately, and I laughed all the way home.

WATCHING Birtley didn't just prove to be the highlight of my weekend - I got a valuable insight into how they play from my spying mission. A lot depends on their towering striker, but they play good football as well.

After a fortnight off, however, I'm confident my lads will get back to winning ways on Sunday.

IT would appear that not all of my readers are happy with my updates from Willington. One veteran journalist, who shall remain nameless, was scathing about my report of our 5-0 defeat to Redby.

"One player was sick; another went home ill. You got beat 5-0 - it was like reading Steve McClaren's excuses after Middlesbrough lose," he said. Maybe I should leave the "We wuz robbed" line to the full-time managers!

THIS week's column has been brought to you in association with a nasty bout of flu. Having lost a number of players to illness a fortnight ago, the Willington coach is now at death's door.

Hopefully, I'll still be able to cajole my team into exorcising the ghosts of our display against Redby on Sunday.

But in the meantime, perhaps I should ask the good people at Night Nurse if they fancy sponsoring us...