You don't need weatherman Michael Fish to tell you that it's going to be a white Christmas.

Considering the amount of soap on TV screens in coming weeks, what's on the box can't help but be whiter-than-white.

This time of year has become the favourite season for Soapland's residents to wash their dirty linen in public.

I blame it on recently-resurrected Dirty Den. Ever since he handed wife Angie divorce papers in a Christmas Day edition of BBC1's EastEnders and notched up 30 million viewers, schedulers have considered tinsel-tinged episodes of the nation's favourite soaps a surefire way of getting good ratings.

This year is no exception. You can take time off from family arguments on Christmas Day to watch them instead by switching on to EastEnders (BBC1, 6pm and 8.40pm), plus hour-long editions of Emmerdale (ITV1, 6.40pm) and Coronation Street (ITV, 8.40pm), along with relatively brief episodes of Home And Away (five, 6.20pm) and Family Affairs (five, 6.40pm).

Given that the rest of the schedules are so uninspired, it's no wonder people turn to soaps when the alternative is yet another screening of old movies My Fair Lady and Oliver!, or a Bond adventure. And when BBC1 offers a revival of Christmas Night With The Stars, whose title belies the fact that the whole thing is pre-recorded.

Soap producers work all year building up to Christmas crises designed to snag viewers. Many of the big stories culminate over the holiday period, daring fans to miss an episode at their peril. While the details vary, we can be assured that there will be a punch-up in the pub, one family's turkey meal will be marred by arguments, and snow will fall whatever happens in the outside world.

"Who'll wed and who's dead?" asks the cover of Inside Soap magazine, giving you an idea that Christmas won't be a very silent night in Weatherfield, Walford or the Yorkshire Dales.

Another question being asked in ITV1's Coronation Street is "who's the daddy?" with Tracy Barlow choosing Christmas Day to deliver the shock news to Steve Macdonald that she's carrying his unborn child.

A visit to the hospital is a requirement for someone over Christmas. Martin Platt has been flat on his back after a car crash, caused by the teenage brother of his schoolgirl lover Katy tampering with his car. As this is the season of peace and goodwill, Martin tries to mend bridges - despite Craig's murder attempt. All the same, a kiss under the mistletoe looks out of the question (except if Todd is involved as his attempt to snog Nick has scarred the poor lad for life).

The news is better in Albert Square, which must be a first. Kat and Alfie are set to marry on Christmas Day. This is a Slater tradition - specially invented for the ratings battle - although Little Mo, who should be celebrating her first anniversary, is in no mood for partying following her recent attack (but that's another depressing story).

There is one wee problem bothering Alfie Moon - he's still married and is relying on Father Christmas to give him a quickie (divorce, that is) so he and Kat can tie the knot.

Alfie's even arranged the weather. His brother works in the special effects industry and arranges for it to snow in Albert Square. See what I mean about it being a white Christmas?

Emmerdale couple Marlon and Tricia Dingle are having their own marital problems. Their relationship is frosty after his admission to cheating on her with his cousin Charity. Now a storm is brewing - quite literally, as producers have decided to inflict another natural disaster on the village, a decade after a plane crashed on Emmerdale.

At least they're having the decency to wait until after everyone has finished their Christmas dinner. The huge storm will batter Emmerdale on New Year's Eve, bringing chaos and destruction to the community and P45s for several cast members as the Woolpack is struck by lightning.

Tricia seems most at risk, although Ashley the vicar and Louise take the plunge after their vehicle goes off the road during the storm, confirming Emmerdale's place as the car crash capital of Soapland.

Meanwhile, back in Walford, Phil Mitchell has escaped from prison and heads for the Square to settle with Dirty Den, the man who framed him. This clash of the titans can only result in an ugly scene - well, they're not the prettiest pair in Walford, are they? - as they face each other for the title of top dog.

You want more? Then how about five's Home And Away, where Dylan Russell is in hospital following an accident at the boatyard. Fortunately, there's an empty bed as Alf Stewart has returned home following brain surgery (which is what viewers might need after over-exposure to soap plots).

Over in a hospital in Chester, Ellie wakes from a coma with a nasty case of amnesia in C4's Hollyoaks. So she won't remember the face from the past - Ruth Osborne - who chooses the festive season to make a comeback, bearing gifts of course.

And if Alfie and Kat's marriage isn't enough, Family Affairs has a Boxing Day wedding between Marc and Yasmin. What's love got to do with it?, you might ask. The answer is nothing at all. They're getting married to win the prize money in a magazine competition.

Marc's actually going out with someone else, Geri Evans. "It's all going to end in tears - and violence. Perhaps Geri and Yasmin will come to blows," says producer Alison Davis.

Viewers will be disappointed if they don't.

Published: 20/12/2003