Gadfly

Last month's edition of the village newsletter carried a letter from Julia Bowles, concerning an incident earlier in the year. Walking along Old Beacon Lane, Ms Bowles had fallen into conversation with a striking young lady with a no less magnificent mount and an equally impressive horsebox. The idea, the lady explained, was to take photographs of the horse crossing the road as evidence for an inquiry into possible improvements on the A689.

Horse and groom had both come from Preston, Lancashire, where another rider had earlier been sent to learn how to ride the thing. Incredulous that a local cuddy might not have filled the bill - horses for courses, and all that - Ms Bowles blamed Durham County Council for saddling its ratepayers with such improbable expense. The information, she insisted, came "from the horse's mouth".

In the January issue of Sedgefield News, however, County Council leader Ken Manton - who is also the local representative - replies aggressively.

A grey horse may well have been brought from Preston to pose for the cameras in County Durham, he concedes, but it's not the County Council which is in the frame. It was the National Highways Agency, road to ruin, which saw fit to spend money in such a way. Ms Bowles, says Coun Manton, is woefully misinformed, misleading and possibly mischievous.

"She says she got her information from the horse's mouth. It's clear to me she was talking to the wrong end of the horse."

Asked further to investigate, a Highways Agency spokesman tells Gadfly that the exercise was part of the public inquiry into major improvements on the A66, between Scotch Corner and Greta Bridge.

The British Horse Society wanted underpasses built for equestrian use; the Agency insisted that corrals - like those on the A689 - were perfectly safe. All concerned galloped off to Sedgefield for a closer look.

The spokesman, alas, is unable to confirm that they sent to Preston for a horse, or who's taking whom for a ride.

FROM amid the comfortable if somewhat staid columns of The Ergonomist, a reader sends news that browser systems set up to protect young Internet surfers are blocking attempts to connect to an Italian power company's website. The company is Powergen Italia, the website is powergenitalia.com.

DESCRIBING in Saturday's At Your Service column the constant maintenance problem at St Cuthbert's church in Darlington town centre, the Rev Robert Williamson used the familiar analogy of painting the Forth Bridge. Without wishing to take the gloss off things, the image may no longer be appropriate.

The one-and-a-half mile bridge, 115 years old, used by 150 trains a year and said by Network Rail Scottish director Jeanette Anderson to be held in high esteem - as well it might be - still presents a formidable challenge. Around 200,000 square metres have to be painted at around 15,000 square metres a year. A seven year contract was awarded two years ago to Balfour Beatty.

For safety and other reasons, however, work is only allowed on 90 days a year. The rest of the time - analogists please note - painting the Forth Bridge is more like watching it dry.

SPOTTED by Chris Willsden in Darlington, more modern definitions from the Washington Post:

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Egotist: someone who is me-deep in conversation.

Toothache: the pain which drives you to extraction.

Yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Ignoranus: a person who is both stupid and an asshole.

The medical department may also have noticed a court report in yesterday's paper which referred to "evasive medical examination". Whatever it was, it sounds like something best avoided.

ON the day last week that GNER's head lad accused Virgin Trains of being "cheap and nasty", we travelled Virgin from Darlington to Oxford and back. Cheap? The second class return fare via Birmingham was, obscenely, £118. Nasty? It was the third long distance Virgin journey in a month, every train spot on time save for last Tuesday's homeward leg.

The reason for the slight delay? It was stuck behind a GNER service, conked out at Doncaster.

ON Monday evening to Stanley Hill Top, above Crook, taxi booked for 7.45pm for a necessarily quick return to Darlington - and not for dominoes night, either. That the taxi appeared to arrive punctually to the minute was only, it transpired, because they'd taken the booking for 6.45.

That in the days of computerised cabs and satellite navigation he was really an hour late was because some things never change. He'd been all the way to Stanley in Derwentside, instead.

LAST week's column noted a little timeless plagiarism in the Oldie magazine - Old Uns Diary, edited by the Old Un - about Jim Ferguson and his gooly chits. In the "wireless" column - a modern word, meaning radio - Valerie Grove also noted that after reporting on the Bush/Blair lunch in Sedgefield, she found herself on Stockton railway station at 8am the following morning.

It was cold and foggy. From a wall came a ghostly voice: "We are sorry to announce a delay..." Life has few bleaker moments than that, concluded Ms Grove, but clearly she was mistaken. She might have been on Middlesbrough station, instead.

...and finally, back to the perils of punctuation. Willis Collinson in Durham forwards a letter from The Guardian recalling a test from Hull in which pupils were invited sensibly to punctuate the following:

"Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had the examiners approval."

Hull's finest failed. Gadfly readers have until next week to work on it.

Chris Eddowes, meanwhile, reports that at her life drawing class in Hartlepool last week, the model wore nothing but an amused smile and was reading a copy of Lynne Truss's now celebrated Eats Shoots and Leaves. "That book gets everywhere," says Chris - but may not cover everything, as originally had been supposed.

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