THERE is a Hospital Road in Langley Park, a Convalescent Street in Saltburn and a Well Lane near Thornaby. It might be considered a natural, indeed a most welcome, progression.

There is a Cutthroat Lane in Hamsterley Mill, near Consett, a Hangman's Lane near Houghton-le-Spring and Breakneck Steps in Newcastle. Cause and effect, once more, and straight to Cemetery Road.

The timid may live in Wallflower Avenue, Peterlee, thrill seekers in Adventure Lane, West Rainton, the mendicant on Cadger Bank, Lanchester.

There is a Clarty Lane in Kibblesworth, near Gateshead, Coal Lane in both Wolviston and Elwick - hardly black hand territory, either of them - and a Bog Row in Hetton-le-Hole. (Until 20 years ago, we are assured, there was even a Bog Row school. That would larn 'em, at least to have thick skins.)

We mention all this, sure to be up someone's street, after buying two new North-East street atlases at the weekend and misspending most of Sunday trying to read them.

For reasons mostly myopic, the exercise had to be aborted. With a couple of overlaps, this isn't really the A-Z, more the A-C.

Among the most noticeable things is that the Streets are fast becoming rubble. Now there are Mews, Orchards and Courts -

Oh enter then his gates with praise

Approach with joy his Courts unto -

though the Most Naff Nomination must surely go to Pixley Dell, near Consett.

In the rush to rusticity, all things bright and beautiful appear without exception to be represented - 135 addresses with Ash as part of the name, substantially more with Oak.

Even Comma Court, in Gateshead, may take its name from the elusive butterfly of that name and not the mass syntactical self-flagellation - colonic irrigation, as it were - prompted by Ms Lynne Truss's splendid paean on punctuation.

The word "The" is also positively favoured - The Blackberries (Gateshead), The Brambles (Ryton), The Chains, The Bower (Jarrer, somewhere near The Slack).

Happily there are still 40 Aged Miners' Homes, if not quite as many aged miners, a Bottle Works Road (Stamfordham), a Gas Works Road (Seaham), and at least one Back Street, in Winlaton.

Allwork Terrace is in Whitburn; unfortunately there's nothing about No Play Place.

Cockfield, Evenwood and Tow Law all have Alpine addresses, The Baltic is in Witton Park, Cold Hesledon perches, perishing, north of Hartlepool.

There is also a Busty Terrace in Shildon. If the houses were to be divided into flats, it has irreverently been suggested, might there be a 38D?

There are two different map books. The Geographers' A-Z (£4.75) covers the areas around Newcastle, Sunderland and Durham, while Philip's Ordnance Survey Street Atlas (£5.99) embraces County Durham and Teesside and was named a "best buy" by Auto Express.

The problem, particularly with the second book, is being able to read the maps - which almost resulted in the picture accompanying this column not being taken. The chief photographer, no squinting violet, simply couldn't make it out.

The most fascinating of all the entries, A-C anyway, the picture is of Bliss Close in Darlington, somewhere off Brinkburn Road.

Might it have been named after Sir Arthur Bliss, one time Master of the Queen's Music, or is it simply because the folk up there are so ecstatically happy with their lot?

Is Bliss Close really half way to paradise? Who knows what joys await.

Spennymoor and Ingleby Barwick have a Blair Avenue, Sherburn a Blair Close, Langley Moor a Blair Court and Bishop Auckland a Blair Grove. They may or may not pay homage to our leader. There's also a Howard Close in the Woodhouse Close estate in Bishop Auckland: no connection whatever.

All this was prompted, for this column has more prompts than a first night rehearsal, by last week's reference to streets in Yarm-on-Tees called The Larun Beat, The Royd and Sideling Tails.

Gwen Porter, a Yarm parish councillor since 1976, believes that all were local areas mentioned in a 1950s local history by the late John Wardell.

It's all part and parcel of the same thing, says Mrs Porter. "Mind," she adds, "I haven't a clue what it's all about."

LAST week's piece on the Baghdad Boil - spread by sand flies and suffered fearfully after the war by former police chief inspector Matt Hutchinson - prompts an e-mail from Ed Southgate in Stockton.

On Middle Eastern service with the Army in 1944, he contracted suspected meningitis, had to have a lumbar puncture - "not very pleasant," he still recalls - and was finally diagnosed with sand fly fever.

"I wonder if I had the same complaint that Matt had?" he asks. Something pretty close to the Boil, anyway.

STILL back in the Second World War, 78-year-old Mrs Betty Amlin from Sedgefield writes a splendid letter about Andrew Mynarski VC - and a proposed name, if they really must change it, for Teesside Airport. A shame to squeeze it in down here; much more of that next week.

WATER on the brain, perhaps, Dorothy Howard in Darlington forwards a Northumbrian Water mail shot about the shortage of plumbers and the need, they say, for insurance.

Soon, it's reckoned, Britain will be crying out for another 29,000 plumbers. Some already earn up to £70,000 - and the rest, probably.

"These problems are set to become an even bigger headache," warns Northumbrian Water.

Dorothy's comment may be echoed by round-the-bend householders throughout the land. "After reading all this, why should anyone want to go to university?"

...and finally, February. The lunchtime conversation in the Brit on Monday turned to Top 20 hits with the months of the year in their title.

Beginning in January with Pilot, we reckon there might be 11 between us - particularly if something like the Dambusters' March may be included.

What, though, of February, this most doleful and unmelodic of months? Short of nursery rhymes and calendar-type lists, can anyone think of a popular song which even includes February in the lyrics, much less in the title?

It is among matters we hope to address next time. More, monthly, in a week.

www.thisisthenortheast.co.uk

/news/gadfly.html

Published: ??/??/2003