THERE'S standing room only in Weatherfield Hospital's maternity unit as troublesome Tracy gives birth to an infant destined to become one of Soapland's craziest mixed up kids in Coronation Street (ITV1).

Tracy goes into labour during an argument with the baby's biological father Steve McDonald, who's more than a little miffed that she's ruined his plans to remarry his ex-wife.

Then Roy Cropper, who's been duped into believing that he's the real father, turns up to witness the birth, alongside Ken and Deirdre. Imagine the trauma inflicted on the child when it pops out to be confronted by a tableau of Roy, Ken and Deirdre. Not exactly the three wise men. I wouldn't be surprised if the baby didn't go back in again and refuse to come out until they've left the room.

Tracy's daughter, you will recall, has been sold to Roy and his wife Hayley. Well, I say wife but the marriage isn't legal because Hayley used to be Harold.

Tracy, whose maternal instincts are as obvious as weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, feels more of a connection with her new-born daughter than she expected. But money has changed hands - and so must the baby, sold to the owner of Roy's Rolls.

Steve has other things on his mind: whether his Valentine Day wedding to Karen will ever happen after Tracy's meddling. He also has to cope with the arrival of his mini-skirted mother Liz and brother Andy, who's been let out of the retirement home for former soap stars to be Steve's best man.

If he's not careful, Andy'll end up babysitting or moving in with tormented Todd, who's been sexually confused since Nick refused to lock lips with him. Now Karl the gay nurse (not to be confused with Martin the nurse who's living with a schoolgirl) has come on the scene, putting Todd in all of a tizzy.

Horrid Cilla's campaign to extract revenge on Rita backfires (hooray) and The Kabin owner gets a public apology from the scheming slapper. Would it be too much to hope that she gets Cilla locked up and the key thrown away?

Cupid is busy firing arrows left, right and centre in EastEnders (BBC1) as the Valentine's Ball approaches. Sonia gets a new dress to impress Martin, the tallest man in soap, and Paul puts on a white suit to woo Natalie. As for Sharon and Dirty Den 2, they end up in each other's arms. As they share a father, what's the name for what they've done once and seem likely to do again?

Ronny from the boring Ferreira family wakes up - though it's hard to tell the difference between Ronny comatose and Ronny conscious - and learns that Tariq is really his brother. This is enough to send anyone back into a coma, even if he is giving you a kidney.

And, oh yes, Derek has been sacked. As if anyone cares.

Silly Laurel is still fretting over Ashley the vicar in Emmerdale (ITV1). She finally decides to reveal her true feelings to him with far-reaching consequences.

Scott Windsor is seduced by the inappropriately-named Chastity Dingle.

Little does the lusty lad know that she's plotting revenge after he did the dirty on her cousin. Scott is being framed by the Dingles which, as anyone who's ever had their dingles framed will tell you, is very painful.

Published: 05/02/2004