IT'S so trite to say that Life Begins at 40. Okay, I had a football party and somehow persuaded my four ageing brothers to stir their limbs against the local ladies football team for a five-a-side game.

But my wife found the experience quite difficult and like Maggie in Life Begins (ITV1, Monday) complained about her boobs heading south and there was no need for a party.

In real life that meant NO party, in fiction Maggie's family conjured up a crowd in seconds - not a hint of relatives with stock sick cat excuses - and the hit-and-miss comedy-drama raced to its conclusion without, of course, concluding.

Up to now Caroline Quentin hasn't been too believable as hapless dumped wife Maggie, possibly because her quirky, hard-nosed personality worked so much better as Jonathan Creek's selfish sparring partner.

"Perhaps she's too old to play 40," said my wife (meow, Quentin is actually 42). There is also the sad relationship between Maggie's parents Eric (Frank Finlay) and Brenda (Anne Reid). Eric has Alzheimer's and tough as old boots Brenda (one for Quentin in later life) didn't want him around when she had company.

"She's ashamed of him, you wouldn't be like that with dad, would you?" my youngest said to my wife. A knowing glance was exchanged between his parents.

The fact is, my wife wouldn't like me talking twaddle in front of her friends. What she's going to do when they finally close all the homes for confused old TV watchers I'm not quite sure.

Life Begins was left wide open because writer Mike Bullen's lame attempt to repeat the success of Cold Feet is returning for a second series.

Likewise The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (BBC1, Thursday). The previous series closed with Havers (Sharon Small) shooting a colleague, this time the four-parter ended with Havers stretched out serenely having taken a bullet, rather bloodlessly, in the body.

I only mention this somewhat unrealistic whodunnit because Lynley's wife Helen was seen losing her first baby in her late 30s. "I couldn't help thinking that I was having my third child at 30, then they showed another new mum with grey hairs. It's all too weird," said my wife, who surprisingly agreed with the view this week that old Careless Hands Des O'Connor was a fit father at 72 - "he's got the money".

Another old famous father featured on TV was John Wayne in Hollywood Greats (BBC1, Monday) using some newly-found home movie footage of the US Western hero.

An all-round family gripe here was the lateness of its appearance at 10.35pm. Presumably TV schedulers are not early risers because most cinema-related shows always stretch towards midnight.

Of course we had the reality TV of Holiday 2004, Fat Attack, the flagging Ground Force and Your Life In Their Hands to fit in first. Or is it that TV still fears that we're all going to scoot off to the nearest multiscreen because of a mainstream project related to movies?

If they invented a machine to show how many of us were watching VHS or DVD film purchases each week then TV bosses would truly worry. Or like my youngest said at being confronted with Bob Monkhouse: a Bafta Tribute (BBC1, Sunday): "Isn't there anything else?"

Published: 27/03/2004