"LOOK at all those tattoos," groaned my wife, who thankfully wasn't commenting on the appearance of a member of our family. Her eyes were focused on former Boyzone singer Shane Lynch, who is literally running away with the male section of The Games (C4, all week AND tomorrow).

Basically, Mr Lynch has the appearance of a man that the majority of us would believe has slept with Rebecca Loos, but displays the easy-going manner of a working class hero.

He has a lot to put up with. Useless fellow competitor Charles Ingram, who cough dropped TV's biggest cash prize, seems unable to give up his cheating ways and constantly wishes Mr Lynch ill-fortune.

There is also the small matter of Mr Gay UK. "Why do they keep calling him Mr Gay UK, why can't they use his real name?" questioned my, as yet, untattooed youngest. For the record, he is Jarrod Batchelor and it does seem a little unfair that he is competing against a rapper only known as Romeo - the less charismatic real name here is Marvin Dawkins.

I confess to having had to tape most night's "contests" because my wife can't stand "a half-hour of what happened yesterday, the nightly goings-on in the athletes' house and all those adverting breaks... you lose the will to live after a while".

And let's forget about the men anyway. My Games critic had sliced and diced the female competitors most nights. 'Who the hell is she?' Lady Isabella Hervey - who started the week as Her-vey, but is now known as Har-vey - 'look at that nose' Jodie Marsh, 'she's looking old' Linda Lusardi and 'she seems to be hiding' Charlie Dimmock.

Only the perennial former Blue Peter poppet Katy Hill has passed inspection. Having a go at Katy is a little like sawing two legs off your granny's zimmer frame, as Hervey-Harvey has discovered to her cost after being booed by spectators at Sheffield's Don Valley Stadium.

I suppose the attraction of The Games is watching semi-famous media people struggling with sporting challenges just like the rest of us.

The downside is the North-East's Jayne Middlesmiss trying to interview DJ Pat Sharp after he's "won" a rigged static rowing machine race. She couldn't think of a proper question and he was too breathless to answer... over to you Jamie Theakston.

Having spent last week decorating the kitchen, with plenty of handy hints like "I hope you're going to hoover that up before I start lunch", the arrival of Selling Houses and The City Gardener (both C4 Tuesday) has been a mixed blessing.

Selling Houses' host Andrew Winter is merely reading from the House Doctor handbook, although the budgets of desperate-to-sell householders seem more sensible. City Gardener presenter Matt James is also on the right track by tackling neglected tiny back gardens, which most are familiar with... if only someone would tell the poor man about that unnerving loud girlish laugh.

My wife viewed the first week's effort in Newcastle and after commenting on the fact that homeowner Ian used shoe-trees and looked a little weedy she added: "They both come across as a little gay, but you'd never put something like that in your column, would you?"

Published: 17/04/2004