THIS column has noted previously, with disapproval, the increase in lawlessness in Soapland. Next week violence reaches new levels with punch-ups breaking out all over the cobblestones in Coronation Street (ITV1).

I need hardly tell you that the cause of all this is troubled Todd, the confused gay (or is he?) lad who can't decide which bus to catch, and I don't mean the 12B to Weatherfield Baths.

What happens when Todd finally tells his pregnant fiancee Sarah about his true feelings and comes out of the soap closet is not a pretty sight. In fact, there can be few more unpleasant things than the sight of a mad gerbil in a dressing gown going for Eileen Grimshaw's throat. This beast makes the hound of the Baskervilles look like Lassie.

Eileen is in the unfortunate position of being troubled Todd's mum. She's supporting him during his time of sexual confusion and is being particularly nasty about dreary, clingy Sarah. When her mother, Gail the gerbil, discovers Todd's been away with the fairies, she goes berserk. This from a woman who married a serial killer.

Pausing only to fluff up her blue dressing gown, Gail starts rolling around on the hallowed Weatherfield cobbles attempting to give Eileen a good thrashing. But she's fighting a heavyweight, so expect Eileen to give as good as she gets.

I can't think of anyone who deserves a good slapping more than Gail - apart from her devious son Nick. And, hooray, he gets thumped too. This time Todd gives him a good punching, which makes a change from trying to snog him. And then Todd's brother Jason gives him a good punching. Goody, goody, can I join in as well?

The soap police, needless to say, are nowhere to be seen when this display of public lawlessness breaks out. They're needed too for Fred, the randy butcher after he discovers that his takeaway Thai bride Orchid is a fake and can't get a refund. I say, he can't get a refund.

In EastEnders (BBC1), Alfie Moon settles down in front of the telly to watch a nice video, only to find it's a video nasty - of wife Kat having sex with Andy the gangster who's never forgiven her for jilting him at the altar.

Kat only gave in to Andy's sexual demands to pay off Alfie's debts but her action could signal the end of her marriage. It's just not done. I mean, it's like offering the girl on the till at Tescos a quick knee-trembler to pay for the shopping.

The latest Mrs Dirty Den is still suspicious. What is he up to? Doing saucy things on the Internet or something? Sorry, that's someone else. But she sniffs an unfamiliar perfume (eau de tart) and a hair (not of the dog) about DD's personage.

Chip shop impresario Ian Beale is determined to bring up baby Bobby by himself and tells gormless Garry, who thought he was the father of Laura's baby, to push off. The child won't thank him for it in the future when he smells of cod and chips twice.

Shocking developments in Emmerdale (ITV1) - Jack Sugden has taken his flatcap off. Nurses have prised it from his head as he lies in hospital recovering from being shot by his son Andy. It was an honest mistake. Andy thought he was Robert, his brother who's been sleeping with Andy's wife.

Now that the pressure on Jack's brain has been relieved - by the removal of his cap - he's come out of his coma and shotgun crazy Andy is worried that the truth about the shooting will emerge. Not to mention the fact that previously he set fire to the barn in which his mother was rolling in the hay with her toyboy lover. If Jack tells the truth (and this rarely happens in Soapland), his son could go to prison.

Published: 20/05/2004