IN my experience, mums have lots of shoes - whole wardrobes full. And growing children seem to need a new pair every week. For us poor dads, this means our shoes have to be nearly falling off before we can afford a new pair.

And when you only buy shoes every couple of years, it's vital to get it right. Consequently, I'd spent months searching for a particular pair of shoes I'd admired on a friend, but hadn't been able to find them anywhere.

I've reached that time of life - 42 - when I'm caught between two stools: too self-conscious to buy anything too modern but desperate to avoid anything my dad might wear.

It's far from easy so, frustrated at my lack of progress, my wife dragged me out for a dreaded day's shopping.

After countless hours of fruitless searching, we found ourselves in a well-known high street store where the quest to find my shoes was temporarily abandoned while she went off to try on an expensive outfit she fancied.

While I was waiting, I spotted them - my shoes. They were being worn by a rather well-dressed dummy, who looked almost as bored as me, standing on a shelf above the men's trousers.

"They're the shoes I want," I shouted, pointing excitedly, as my wife emerged triumphantly from the changing room in the outfit she'd decided to buy even though we hadn't come to get her anything.

"Sorry, they're out of stock," said the assistant.

Just my luck. The only pair of shoes I liked in the whole universe had been sold out.

"What about the pair on the dummy?" my wife asked.

For a moment, I thought she was offering my shoes to the assistant but then I realised her extensive shopping experience was coming into play.

"Could you check what size they are?"

I might be wrong but I think the assistant rolled her eyes as she turned away to come round from behind the counter.

She tried to get the shoe off but the dummy had steel legs which weren't very flexible.

After a great deal of deliberation, I ended up holding him by the ankles while she struggled to untie his laces. I don't know who'd fastened them but they weren't easy to undo and the dummy was a surprisingly heavy chap.

I felt him start to sway above my head and I had visions of him crashing on top of the elderly man checking the size of a pair of slacks.

A small crowd had gathered to watch what must have resembled a circus act as I carried on trying to hold up the teetering dummy, beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead, while the increasingly agitated assistant took her teeth to the laces.

Just when I thought I couldn't hold him any longer, she broke through and pulled the shoe off: "Ten-and-a-half," she sighed.

"Perfect! I'll take them."

We had a rest before tackling the second shoe which proved almost as troublesome.

Naturally, I offered to help put a different pair of shoes on the dummy but the assistant told me not to worry. She had a "life's too short" look on her face.

While all this was going on, my wife had spotted another outfit she liked, tried it on and decided she'd have that one as well.

At the cash desk, we were persuaded to open a credit account which gave us ten per cent off her two outfits and my shoes.

It was only when we got home that my wife checked the bill: "Do you know how much we were charged for your shoes?" she asked.

"About 40 quid?" I suggested.

"A pound," she told me with a smile.

Including the ten per cent discount, they'd actually cost 90 pence - 45 pence per shoe. Presumably, it was because they'd already been worn - albeit by a dummy.

I'm off back to the store to see if I can get his trousers off...

THE THINGS THEY SAY

Most helpfully in terms of filling a column, the competition at a group meeting of WI branches at Toft Hill was "The Things Children Say". Here are some of the entries...

ON her sixth birthday, Sarah was ill with an infection and was having treatment. On the morning of the party she sat deep in thought, then said: "Guess what! I'll have three aunties coming to my birthday party - Auntie Karen, Auntie Jayne and Antibiotic."

(From Verna Waistell, of Escomb and District WI)

IN the nursery garden, a child was helping the teacher to plant two apple trees. He found a worm in the soil and was asked by the teacher to take it away.

He did so but on his return he said to the teacher: "That worm is flat."

"Worm's aren't flat - they're round," replied the teacher.

"This one isn't," said the child, "I've just hit it with a hammer."

(From Julia Nicholson, of Etherley and Toft Hill WI.)

IT was the eve of her birthday and Bethany had come home all excited after a trip to Butterfly World, where she'd learned all about caterpillars turning into butterflies.

"Just imagine, Nana," she said, "tonight I'll go to bed, shed my three skins and tomorrow I'll have a fourskin."

(From Kath Wylie, of St Helens WI.)

EMILY, six at the time, was visiting relatives in the Midlands and turned to sister Jill to say: "Grandma and Grandad are like rare animals, aren't they."

"What makes you say that?" asked Jill.

"Because we don't see them very often," replied Emily.

(From Betty Stretton of St Helens WI)

AND Pat Wilkinson, of Escomb and District WI, recalled the time a primary school class were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. These were included in their answers:

* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

* St Paul preached Holy Acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.