LOVE and marriage, so the song tells us, go together like a horse and carriage. That may well be true, but those living in Soapland know that someone has to follow the vehicle to clear up the mess on the road.

Martin and Sonia have run away to get married in EastEnders (BBC1) although that doesn't stop the reception going ahead before the pork pies and vol-au-vents go off.

This must be one of the unlikeliest soap couplings since Alfie and Kat (more of them in a minute). Martin, the tallest man in Soapland, has discovered that the way to a girl's heart is by running over her fiance (Jamie, remember him?). That was after making her pregnant, although she didn't realise until she started giving birth (and this is the girl who wants to be a nurse).

Scenes of the happy couple snuggling up and whispering sweet nothings to each other in their hotel hideaway made me want to throw up more than Ian's catering.

It would be nice to think they'll live happily ever after - but they won't. Trouble and strife is only a storyline away. Look at Alfie the cheerful cocker-knee and Kat the Slater slapper, once the happiest couple in Soapland and now going through hell.

Kat has never had any trouble snaring a man. Her hunting uniform of short skirt, low top and as much make-up as would be needed to turn the Elephant Man into Prince Charming are unbeatable.

Then she slept with gangster Andy, the man she jilted at the altar in favour of Alfie. Now Alfie can't stand to touch her and when her late night romantic overtures (more Beethoven than Bacharach) fail, she's left with running mascara and no husband.

More marital woes for Chrissie, aka Mrs Dirty Den. She's still convinced that her husband is seeing another woman and sets a trap to catch him out. Will Dirty Den wriggle out of this one like a soap star caught fiddling on the Internet?

Bad news for devious Dev in Coronation Street (ITV1). He thinks he may have bowel cancer. As if going out with mad Maya wasn't enough trouble for one man. Coming so soon after baby Billy's funeral, this makes Weatherfield the most depressing place in Soapland.

Meanwhile Leanne Battersby sets out to snare nauseous Nick for reasons best known to the scriptwriters. And Bev takes a taxi out of the Street after sleeping with her daughter's boyfriend - again.

Things that go bump in the night are disturbing Norris, also known as the comic relief. Probably only the sound of Leanne and Nick, but Norris organises a sance with the three witches Rita, Blanche and Betty. "Is anyone there?," they ask, "or has everyone switched over to watch Euro 2004?".

The romance of Zoe and Scott hits a snag in Emmerdale (ITV1). Probably something to do with the fact that she's a lesbian and he's a womaniser, although he did get her pregnant during a drunken (her) one night stand. She appears unwilling to repeat the experience.

Debbie, the troublesome teenage offspring of Cain and Charity, has the hots for Ethan the local curate. She adopts the Kat Slater look of tight tops and short skirts to catch his attention. Let us pray for his soul, I fear he may give in to temptation.

As for elderly busybody Edna, she's left for dead after a hit-and-run accident during a walk with her dog Tootsie. Dim Sam Dingle was driving and was temporarily distracted by a sick chicken. The bird, however, is now considerably healthier than Edna.

Published: 10/06/2004