Your guide to wall-to-wall balls

AT last it's here - the second biggest footballing event in the world, bringing together Europe's top 16 teams in a three week tournament to find the cream of the continent, promising to be a riot of skill, goals and controversy, although hopefully not literally.

England's hopes have never been this high, at least not since the last one, when we beat the Germans but majestically failed to qualify from the first stage. This time, getting through to the quarter finals is practically certain, and then who knows how far Sven's men could go?

For the next three weeks it will be difficult to avoid Euro 2004. With a game a night for the bulk of the tournament, it will be wall-to-wall balls, and even the soaps have had to make way. Every window, car and face will be adorned with flags, as a nation rediscovers its patriotism. Not even the saint's day itself sees as many flags bearing the Cross of St George on display. Or any at all, in fact.

Throughout this festival of football, or at least until England are knocked out, all anyone will want to talk about is the merits of the diamond over the flat-pack, Terry's hamstring (not a new chocolate bar, although if he plays well he'll undoubtedly be All Gold) and whether Posh ought to mix with the other wives.

So if you want to keep up with the banter in the pub, the bus queue, the post office and around the water-cooler, here's everything you ever wanted to know about Euro 2004:

The Players

Led by David Beckham, the man with more tattoos than sense, England struggled through qualifying, drawing at home to mighty Macedonia, but are nevertheless one of the favourites.

Midfield seems to be England's strongest suit, with Beckham lining up alongside Steven Gerrard, Paul Scholes and Frank Lampard. Up front there's Michael Owen, the man who's elevated falling down to an art form, and Wayne Rooney, the wunderkid hailed as the new Gazza, although he bears a closer resemblance to Shrek.

Defence is the weak point, with John Terry's dodgy hamstring meaning England could be turning to their sixth choice centre back to partner Sol Campbell, as well as the obligatory Neville brother and Ashley Cole.

Goalkeeper David James's nickname is not one to inspire confidence, but "Calamity" has been cutting down the blunders and is now said to be a changed man.

The Manager

England returned to root vegetables by appointing the Swede Sven-Goran Eriksson, six years after Graham "turnip" Taylor's reign came to an ignominious end, and so far it seems to have borne fruit. Just one defeat in 19 competitive games, and a 5-1 victory over Germany to boot, is a record to be proud of.

But that one defeat has set some alarm bells ringing, with the manner of England's capitulation to Brazil in the last World Cup, not to mention his affair with Ulrika Jonsson, raising doubts over Sven's judgement. Still, at least he never loses his cool.

The Tactics

Sven has spent the last three years carefully nursing his diamond formation, with one midfielder playing a holding role at the back and one moving forward to help the strikers. It allows for greater flexibility and fluidity than the conventional flat-four system and is undoubtedly a stroke of tactical genius.

But now Sven's decided he probably won't use it after all. With Frank Lampard forcing his way into the team with a brilliant season for Chelsea, it seems the diamond isn't quite forever. At least until the frailties of the system are exposed in the first game.

The Opponents

Playing the former World and reigning European champions in the first match probably doesn't sound too promising, but then France didn't make too much of a fist of defending their World crown last time out, failing to score. In any case, England have never won their opening match of the European Championships, and it wouldn't be the same unless we had to win the last match.

The other teams in the group, Croatia and Switzerland, are among the outsiders, and normally wouldn't be considered too difficult, so expect a couple of nail-biters.

As for the rest, Italy, Holland, hosts Portugal and under-achievers Spain are widely tipped. Never write off the Germans, who seem to win even when they're playing badly, although they've been given the toughest group. The Czech Republic could be the dark horse to go far.

This year's minnows are Latvia, who are not expected to do well but at least should give the commentators something to think about, with their squad including Blagonadezdins and Verpakovskis.

The Rules

Don't bother trying to understand the offside rule, as they'll only change it anyway. All you need to know is that your player should never have been called offside, as he wasn't interfering with play, and the other team were at least a yard offside, anyone can see that.

Instead of the golden goals of previous tournaments, this time there's a silver goal rule. If the teams are level after full-time, they play 15 minutes of extra time. If one side is leading after this 15 minutes, they are the winners; if both sides are still level, they play another 15 minutes. If they are still level after that, it goes to penalties. Simple.

The Television

Almost as important as what happens on the pitch, is the battle for the viewers. ITV are showing England's first two matches, then the BBC shows the third and gets the next if England qualify for the quarter finals, showing their appetite for taking risks hasn't been diminished by the Hutton Report. England matches after that will be broadcast by both channels. At pivotal national moments - Royal weddings, general elections, Come Dancing - viewers turn instinctively to the BBC, and so it is with football, making Auntie the favourite in the head-to-heads.

Commentary pits the excitable Clive Tyldesley against the encyclopaedic John Motson, although the big question mark is whether anyone can fill the boots of their sidekicks, Ron "early doors" Atkinson, or Trevor "monotone" Brooking.

ITV's coverage will be fronted by the King of Suave Des Lynam, who has made millions of housewives go all of a quiver with a twitch of his moustache. Sadly Des is leaving after the final, a shame as his twinkle-eyed sayings are the only things many people remember about previous championships. Over on the BBC, Gary Lineker is in charge, his charm not quite as effortless as Des's, but almost as effective, and at least he has Alan Hansen next to him, who has the ability to say what everyone else wishes they'd thought.

So the beers and pretzels are in, the flags are dangling from the car windows, and the war in Iraq forgotten. Enough of the build-up, it's time for the games to begin. And don't worry, it'll be over before you know it.