WHETHER England flop or triumph, Euro 2004, the football tournament that now has the nation in its thrall, is grimly expected to expand Britain's already grossly-distended waistline.

Supermarkets, who know their trade, have stacked their shelves with an extra 451 million cans of beer, 22.6 million extra pizzas, 27.1 million packets of burgers, and 21.1 million packets of sausages.

Yet the tourney has the potential to solve Britain's obsesity crisis. Slumped in their armchairs, many fans will be wearing replica shirts. What if, starting with Euro 2004 and henceforth remaining standard practice, replica shirts were available only in sizes no larger than those of the players whose numbers they bear?

Want to wear a Beckham shirt? First get his Adonis figure. Owen, Rooney, local heroes like Shearer? Look the part to wear the shirt. A slimline Britain would be here tomorrow.

Years ago I also discovered that the best day to visit any usually-overcrowded tourist attraction was FA Cup final day. Since then "big" games have proliferated. Indeed, the "match of the season", or even the "match of the century", now arrives about every couple of months or so.

It is then that I can be sure of being able to walk along my local lane without having to keep stepping aside for traffic. The other day I read that more people have discovered this phenomenon and are taking advantage of it. On cue, during my lane-walk coinciding with the England-France match, appeared a family who had deliberately chosen the time of the game to enjoy a cycle ride.

Besides holding the answer to the obesity problem, footie is therefore also a key to recovering the Lost Lanes of Britain, about which the Campaign to Protect Rural England has been wringing its hands. Once thought by governments to be confined to diverting the public gaze from the nasty things they do, Britain's soccer obsession has far wider hidden benefits: good for our health and good for our environment. The more big games and tournaments the better.

AND now smoking. Tony Blair is considering allowing councils to impose bans in bars, restaurants and other enclosed public places. Courage of your convictions, Tony. Merely enabling others to outlaw smoking will create a lottery over whether non-smokers have to endure other people's smoke. As one of the filthiest and most health-damaging habits, smoking should be swept away from all public places, including outdoors. Why should anyone in a bus queue, or in booked seats at an outdoor event, suffer cigarette smoke blowing into their faces and fouling their clothes?

AMID Britain's stuttering train services is one that never stops running and is always on time: the Gravy Train. About to disembark as a Euro Commissioner, former Labour leader Neil Kinnock will instantly climb back on board as chairman of the British Council, promoting Britain's cultural interests around the world at our expense. And who is this shadowy figure just slipping on to the platform? Ye gods, it looks like Peter Mandelson. Though once expressing infinite, undying contentment in serving his Hartlepool constituency, he is now confidently expected to replace Kinnock in Brussells. Did I say that Gravy Train sometimes displays another nameboard: Jobs for the Boys?