Getting naughty words in the title of a TV programme is a sure-fire way of attracting attention - but sometimes the reality doesn't live up to the expectation.

The name of the game in TV these days is to come up with the most eye-catching title. The race for ratings means the viewer's attention must be grabbed instantly and a title that makes you think - or laugh at its brazen cheek - is a must.

Boys With Breasts, Liz Hurley's Brain, Michael Jackson's Face, So You Think You Want Bigger Boobs and My Breasts Are Too Big show an unhealthy preoccupation with body parts.

None, however, match the porn version of Saving Private Ryan - Shaving Ryan's Privates, which channel five used as the title of a whole programme devoted to mucky movies that exploit classic films.

It should be pointed out that Dirty Filthy Love, ITV1's Sunday night drama, doesn't belong in this X-rated category. As this is a love story about a man affected by obsessive-compulsive disorder and Tourette's syndrome, you can understand the makers need to have a good title to get viewers.

But this is a real Dirty weekend as the drama is scheduled directly against another dirty movie on BBC1 - Dirty War, which is centred around events after a radioactive dirty bomb is detonated in central London.

Dirty, sex, naked and breasts are key words in getting noticed, although Naked Celebrity is a blatant attempt to con viewers. Here, 'naked' is being used in an emotional, not flesh-baring sense, as the show tells how body language betrays people's inner feelings. Those expecting celebrity flesh will be sorely disappointed.

You'll feel let down, too, if you think The World's Greatest Earth Movers is about expert lovers. The subject isn't about those who make the earth move sexually but very unromantic digging machines.

You can be as suggestive as you like in a title but beware the words on your T-shirt as children's TV presenter Dominic Wood discovered this week when he was ticked off by broadcasting regulator Ofcom for having the words MORNING WOOD on his T-shirt on Dick And Dom In Da Bungalow. He maintained his name was Wood and the programme was shown in the morning. The smutty-minded regulators insisted the phrase had another, naughty meaning.

Back at the titles, next week's schedules throw up several bizarre examples of the quest for ever-more peculiar titles. What are we to make of Derek Tastes Of Earwax in BBC2's Horizon series?.

This has to do with a condition called synaesthesia, in which senses get mixed up. A pub manager develops a strong taste of earwax every time he sees a regular called Derek. Another man sees words as colours.

This fails as a title because it sounds revolting rather than titillating. The documentary, The Woman Swamped By Her Own Skin, is about a woman drowning in her own loose flesh after losing 22 stones as she undergoes a potentially-lethal, 12-hour body lift operation to remove sagging skin.

Medical conditions are always good for a tabloid-style title which often does the programme an injustice. The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off might have sounded like a horror movie but was a moving account of Geordie Jonny Kennedy, who had a rare genetic deformity that caused skin cells to fall off.

A sort of shorthand is involved in shows with labels such as The Truth About or The Real (insert name to complete title). Usually, they couldn't be further from the truth or reality because the subject's lack of participation leaves so-called friends and associates to give their version of matters.

The Truth About Gay Animals must be one of the strangest titles of recent years. But words like truth and real have the same attention-grabbing effect as those in the naked category.

Name-calling isn't restricted to documentaries. Two forthcoming ITV1 dramas had title trouble. The adaptation of Tony Strong's novel Tell Me Lies became Lie With Me, a much sexier title with a hint of horizontal action. It's also apt as the plot hinges on a big fat fib.

A good deal of thought went into Whose Baby, a drama about a father fighting for the right to see his child. Choosing a title "has been a laugh", says writer Rosemary Kay.

"I wanted something shocking and funny. So all my friends were coming up with ridiculously cheesy ideas like Baby Gravy Robber, Baby Batter Bandit, Love Juice Larceny, Rubber Jonny Robber.

"It was clear that bodily fluids can't be included in a title on ITV, so somehow Whose Baby got settled on. I still think it would be great to open the TV Times and see a two-page spread entitled RUBBER JONNY ROBBER."

Even the nation's favourite TV programme, Coronation Street, didn't get its name easily. I wonder if we'd still be watching the soap 44 years later if they'd stuck to the original title of Florizel Street.

* Naked Celebrity: Sunday, five, 11.05pm.

* World's Greatest Earth Movers: five, Monday, 7.30pm.

* The Woman Swamped By Her Own Skin: five, Tuesday, 11.05pm.

* Derek Tastes Of Earwax: BBC2, Thursday, 9pm.

Published: 25/09/2004