IT'S good to see Les Battersby and his moll Cilla Brown clean up their act. In Coronation Street (ITV1), the unsavoury pair put the soap in Soapland by plunging into their new spa bath - the one that makes such a racket it sounds like an armed tank approaching.

Neighbours Norris and Danny are getting in lather too because the thing is so noisy. It's like living next door to Niagara Falls.

Les and Cilla are getting fruity in the froth when someone joins them for a threesome in the bubbles - Schmeichel the dog. The very large dog. The very heavy dog. The laws of gravity come into play with bath, containing Les, Cilla and canine friend, dropping through the ceiling into the living room below. Well, at least they can watch telly while they're having a soak.

Feuding Karen and Tracy need someone to throw a bucket of cold water over them as they start brawling on the cobblestones again. The blood's only just been washed away from the last fight.

Karen, volatile at the best of times, goes ballistic and gives Tracy a well-deserved slap after finding out about the ridiculous game show trip when Steve nearly slept with Tracy, the mother of his child. Personally, if I'd been Karen, I'd have ripped her head off and put it in Betty's hotpot.

The increasingly unhinged (in a Mad Maya sort of way) Karen demands that husband Steve cuts Tracy and baby Amy out of his life altogether or they're finished. Steve's dancing eyebrows go into jive mode at the very thought.

Over in EastEnders (BBC1), Stacey, the latest Slater sister to soil the square, gets a job at Sophsti-Kate's nail and hair bar. This is like letting a fox loose in the chicken coop, it's just asking for trouble. Stacey, who's designed as a Mini-Me version of Janine, stirs up things between the already antagonistic Cuticle Kate and Crimper Chrissie.

Chrissie has other things on her mind, namely Vicki's older boyfriend Tommy the lecher, sorry, lecturer. A younger girlfriend isn't enough for Toe-rag Tommy and he tries to plant a kiss on Chrissie. But, as we know from the way she took the scissors to Cuticle Kate's locks a short while back, she's not a woman to be messed with. Her revenge on Tommy will be something very nasty indeed but hopefully won't involve a pair of sharp scissors.

Alfie, at a loss in Kat's absence, organises a football team, Walford Wanderers. Given its members record for extra marital affairs, I assume they'll be playing away most of the time. Sadie the married lady is on the prowl in Emmerdale (ITV1). With her marriage going through a bad patch, Mrs King looks for some fun and sets her lusty sights on young Robert the mechanic. She likes the way he handles his spanner.

She ambushes him in the garage and, before you can say Jeremy Clarkson, they're polishing the bonnet in a most unconventional manner as Robert accelerates from 0 to 60 in a few seconds. Sadie hopes the lad takes the corners gently and doesn't stall his engine before slipping into top gear.

Husband Jimmy, who wants out of their marriage, comes to the aid of Chloe, the poison pen writer and all-round bitch, when she's stood up by Carl, the man in whom she wants to get her claws.

Chloe now holds a winning hand - a pair of Kings.

Published: 11/11/2004