John North: The Wallie wot gobbled up Edward

SO politically incorrect it might almost have been treasonable, an unpublished Stanley Holloway monologue has resurfaced more than 50 years after it was written.

Parodying the romance of the future King Edward with Mrs Wallis Simpson, it was composed by Holloway - for an audience of fewer than a dozen - during a passage to America in 1952:

You've 'eard about Albert Ramsbottom

Who got ate by a lion at Zoo,

Well this tale's about our Edward

And how he got gobbled up, too...

Now the alternative account of Edward and Mrs Simpson can be heard at the Stroke Club in Kirkbymoorside, North Yorkshire - recited, word perfect from memory, by 69-year-old Dawson Forcett.

The story is remarkable. Though we have been unable to contact Holloway's son Julian, who lives in Los Angeles and does television voice-overs, nothing questions its veracity.

Mr Forcett's parents were fellow cargo ship passengers with the great entertainer. The unmistakable Holloway was persuaded to write a monologue to help pass the voyage.

"It was almost literally on the back of an envelope," says Mr Forcett. "Fortunately there was a shorthand writer on the ship and she agreed to take it down for my father..."

Now you'll remember t'were a lion called Wallace

Who ate up our Albert at Zoo

But it were Wally who chewed up our Edward

For she were a man eater, too.

Back at his public school, young Dawson was already learning Albert and the Lion and the unfortunate business with the stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle. His father gleefully sent the follow-up; by 1953 he knew it by heart.

"Holloway seems literally to have read it at the captain's table and forgotten about it. It's unpublished and, apart from me, unknown by anyone anywhere," he says.

Albert and the Lion had been written by a Scotsman called Marriott Edgar, half brother to the novelist Edgar Wallace, who toured with Holloway before Edgar's death in 1951.

"Holloway was clearly very familiar with that style of monologue writing," says George Jameson in Barnard Castle, a friend of Mr Forcett's. "He probably couldn't have recited it to a wider audience, anyway. They'd have locked him up for it."

Well he went and took over his Kingdom

But found out his tasks not too light

He saw to his realm in the daytime

And he saw Mrs Simpson at night.

Born in Haswell, near Peterlee, and evacuated with his mother to Wolsingham - "Everyone thought Hitler was going to land on the North-East coast, they were dreadful days" - Mr Forcett joined the family engineering firm in Leeds, travelled worldwide and is said also to have had links with the diplomatic service.

"I've tried everywhere to find out more about the monologue and can't," he says. "I'm just glad it's getting a wider audience; it would have been a great pity if I died and it died with me."

A former Billingsgate apprentice fishmonger, Stanley Holloway trained as a singer in Milan before going on to become one of Britain's most popular film stars and entertainers - even playing the grave digger in Laurence Olivier's film version of Hamlet.

His son was reputedly named Julian Robert Stanley Holloway because his father thought that with three initials he stood more chance of making the England cricket team.

The Holloway monologue, meanwhile, is bringing the house down at Kirkbymoorside Stroke Club. "They were in fits of laughter," says Mr Forcett.

Wiv a little bit of luck, as the great man himself might have said, the column may not have heard the last of it, either.

You've 'eard about Albert Ramsbottom

Who got ate by a lion at Zoo

Well this tale's about our Edward

And how he got gobbled up too.

When Edward was Prince of Wales like

He thought he would have his fling

So he hied himself to Parliament

To 'ave a word wi' King.

Tomorrow I'm leaving t'Palace

Said Edward to his Dad

King said "You're just like Granddad

So have a good time m'lad."

Now he'd seen all t'lasses in London

So he dashed up North in 'aste

But neither in Blackpool nor Southport

Could he find a lass to his taste.

So he went back down to London

And saw Sam at Palace gates

(You remember, Pick up your musket, Sam)

And asked "Where to now Samuel?"

Sam winks and says "The States."

So he packed himself a suitcase

Put on top hat and tails

And he left with brass band playing

"God Bless the Prince of Wales".

Now you'll remember t'were a lion called Wallace

Who ate up our Albert at zoo

But it were Wallie who chewed up our Edward

For she were a man-eater too.

And when Edward met Mrs Simpson

For that were Wallie's last name

He thought "there's the lass I'm wantin'"

And Wallie she thought much the same

She thought every night of her Edward

Though she'd had two husbands before

She imagined herself dressed in ermine

A'sailing through main palace door.

Well they kept on seeing each other

In New York, Paris and Rome

But he never let on to his father

Or said owt to the people back home.

Then they went for a trip on the ocean

Weeks of travel and banquet and song

And that man-eating lioness Wallie

She managed to wangle along.

Now the Yankies thought something was coming

Filled their papers with scandal and lust

And before you could say Bob's your Uncle

He was sure in a hell of a bust.

When Edward got back to Old England

He found himself in a stew.

They'd made him King of his Empire

So he says to himself "What's to do?"

Well he went and took over his Kingdom

But found his tasks not too light

He saw to his realm in the daytime

And he saw Mrs Simpson at night.

Then one day as he sat in his parlour

A knock came a'rapping at door

So King gets up and opens it

To find Baldwin a'pacing the floor.

"Ha! Good day" says King, kind of friendly

Wilt stop for a nice cup of tea?

"Ay, I will and all," says Stanley

"'Cos I'm wanting a word wi' thee."

So Stan sits himself down at table

And asks "What's all this that I hear

"About thee and some high stepping damsel?"

King says "tis reet, Sir, I fear"

"You'll have to forget her," says Stanley

"You'll bust up the whole blooming show.

"Very well, if that's so" says King Edward

"Then Wallie and me, we'll go."

"You can keep the old throne," he continued

"The old golden crown too - I'm through

"Here's your stick with a knob on the handle

"Go and see what young Georgie can do."