Soapland residents should be wary of looking forward to a happy New Year when they reflect on what's happened to their fellow Soapstars ove rthe past twelve months.

A year is a long time in politics but an eternity in Soapland. As residents gear up for a festive feast of mayhem and madness, they should consider what's happened to some of their fellow Soaplanders since their moment of glory 12 months ago.

This time last year, these people were decorating the tree and wrapping presents. Now they have moved on, some never to be seen again. Death, divorce, murder and the long arm of the law have been responsible for departures and demises.

Can it really only be a year ago that Alfie Moon and Kat Slater were preparing to wed on Christmas Day in the Queen Vic in EastEnders? Now they've split up - and after all the trouble he went to over the ceremony, including his race against time to get his divorce finalised.

After a brief spell as an alcoholic nymphomaniac, Kat has left Albert Square to have her make-up surgically removed, leaving Alfie a broken man. So broken, in fact, that he's showing signs of getting involved with her sister, Little Mo. What else can you expect from a couple who took part in a curry-eating competition in the run-up to their wedding?

Another Slater sister, Lynne, has departed too. Last Christmas, pregnant Lynne was making husband, gormless Garry, chose between her and Laura, which was a bit like having to say whether you preferred butter or margarine. He ended up losing both women. Lynne left willingly, Laura left in a coffin.

Which brings us to that scheming minx Janine, who was banged up for pushing Laura down the stairs. A year ago Janine was about to get wed as she travelled to Scotland to become Mrs Barry Evans, wife of the most boring man in soap.

She was looking forward to a bright and rich future - as a merry widow, once Barry's heart condition caused his demise.

Impatient as ever, Janine pushed him off a small mountain after the ceremony before his dicky ticker could give out. She got away with that, only to be framed for Laura's murder. Who says there's no justice in this world?

Paul Trueman, who was dumped by gold-digging Janine, makes his exit from Walford next week. He'll be wearing his Christmas present from gangster Andy - a pair of cement boots.

Talking of thugs, Phil Mitchell made a brief reappearance in the Square last Christmas, not dressed up as Santa Claus ("Wot do ya wont fer Chris-mas, a shoota?" he'd ask children) but to thump Dirty Den. Phil has been on the run ever since, wanted by the soap police for dodgy acting.

Another incident demonstrated that EastEnders should never stray far from the Square and certainly not across the border. The Walford teens organised a trip to see in the New Year in Scotland. Unfortunately, Mickey turned up with an old banger (no jokes about Pauline Fowler, please) which crashed. They were left cold, hungry and stranded in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately they survived, although Kelly was banished to somewhere in Spain after giving Zoe more than a friendly peck on the cheek.

Weatherfield folk were also preparing for a wedding in Coronation Street in December 2003. Why is it only people in Soapland get married at Christmas? Sunita and Ciaran were the not-so-happy couple. Barman Ciaran was having second thoughts, not so much cold feet as frozen feet. So he hit devious Dev - something we've all wanted to do - in order to get arrested and spend his wedding day in police cells. It would have been simpler just to have told Sunita: "I don't want to marry you" but that would have made life so much duller.

One year and a brain tumour later, Sunita has married Dev despite the painstaking efforts of another of his ex-fiancees, Mad Maya, to break them apart by leaving them tied up and unconscious in a burning building.

Tracy Barlow was a mum-to-be last Christmas. No virgin birth, though, as the dad was revealed as Steve McDonald. Tracy, Steve and wife Karen have spent the past year arguing and shouting about little tug-of-love baby Amy. It all ends with a rooftop cat fight next week with Karen added to the list of seasonal departures.

Mike Baldwin was questioning Nick's commitment to women's knickers as part of Underworld's management team. Now Nick's gone, replaced by a whole new family of Baldwins.

Troubled Todd, still trying to come to terms with his homosexual leanings, was planning to wed schoolgirl mum Sarah. They were momentarily distracted when psycho grannie Brenda snatched little Bethany. Now Todd's gone to a place where he won't be the only gay in the village.

Surprisingly, no-one was getting married in Emmerdale last Christmas. Quite the opposite. Dizzy Tricia had decided - which takes some doing when you only have half a brain - to leave Marlon after he confessed to cheating on her. She thought he meant at cards until he sat down and told her the truth.

No amount of pleading or grovelling by Marlon could dissuade her from packing her bags, but the weather could. During one of those storms that Michael Fish failed to predict, the Woolpack roof collapsed on Tricia. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ashley and Claire, due to wed in Weatherfield this Christmas Day, should take note. The odds on still being Mr and Mrs at the end of 2005 are against them. And the Sharon-Dennis-Zoe love triangle in Walford will end in tears, mark my words.

Reflect on what happens in Soapland at this time of year and the words of that wise man Jim Royle come to mind: "Happy Christmas, my arse".

Published: 18/12/2004