THE ornamental Japanese tree which has pride of place on the mantelpiece at home is embarrassingly hideous. It has horrible plastic leaves with sickly purple flowers made of glass, sits in a tacky lime green ceramic pot, and is particularly good at gathering dust.

But we could never get rid of it because it was a present from our seven-year-old to his mum.

It cost him 20p from the school sale to raise money for the tsunami disaster appeal and someone out there has done very well indeed to get rid of it.

It is a strange thing about little boys that they like to buy rubbish for their parents. I remember being beside myself with childhood excitement after saving up for weeks to buy my mum a brass starfish.

She used to collect brass animals to stand on the fireplace - she had a dog, a cat, a rabbit and a pig but she didn't have a starfish until I filled the gap in her life.

I used to stare at it in the shop window until I could afford it. I can even remember to this day how much it cost - 33 and a half pence precisely.

Just like me with the brass starfish, our youngest firmly believes that his mum is delighted with her Japanese tree and that's all that matters.

"It's absolutely gorgeous," she told him.

"Yes, it's gorgeous," I added. "Shall we put it in the garage where it won't get damaged?"

But no, it had to go on the mantelpiece where everyone can see it.

It means I have to stand in front of it whenever someone comes round in case they think we have really bad taste.

If I have to move, which I try not to, I find myself having to embark on long, rambling explanations: "Sorry about that plastic Japanese tree on the mantelpiece. We don't really like it but it was a present from Max to his mum and it helped raise money for the tsunami appeal, you know how it is..."

To be fair, all of us got a present from the tsunami sale: his sister got a little clock (30p), and his brothers got a toy tiger and an elephant (10p each).

"What about me?" I asked.

"Sorry, dad, I didn't get you anything," he replied.

Having seen what the others got, I honestly wasn't too bothered but I must have looked crushed because he promptly ran upstairs and came down with a cuddly penguin he'd bought himself for 20p but decided I should have.

"You can have this, dad. I can always get another one," he said.

But it was mum's tree which clearly meant the most to him. He loves her most and her present had to be extra-special. He even said he thought he'd been "very, very lucky" no-one else had bought it and, naturally, we agreed.

I couldn't help noticing when I popped round my mum's the other day that she's still got her brass starfish on the fireplace.

To be honest, I think I'd have been a bit upset if she didn't. But God forbid that I might still be having to stand in front of that ornamental Japanese tree 30 or more years from now.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

Some of the highlights from our recent on-line competition to win a copy of the new Dad At Large book...

Val Winter, of Consett, recalled her nephew, aged four, saying: "Whatever happened to the other half of the moon? It was there last time I saw it - some robbers must have taken it."

Linda Middleton, of Uxbridge, told of the time her son Luke, five, was stung by a wasp. "I wish when that asteroid thingy killed all the dinosaurs that it had killed all the wasps as well," he sobbed.

Kathryn Dale, of Redcar, remembered how her son, seven at the time, was looking at a menu in a restaurant and worrying about what clothes the dressed crab would be wearing.

Caroline Atkinson, of Darlington, was on a bus when her daughter Lianne, aged four, saw a bald man and shouted: "Look at that man - he's got a hole in his head."

Maria Hindmarsh, of Flintshire, had complained to her husband that a neighbour who kept calling round had overstayed her welcome.

The next time she called, Maria's small niece answered the door and said: "Sorry, but my aunty says you talk far too much" and closed the door.

Helen Warrener, of Sunderland, was asked by her three-year-old son David what job she used to do. When Helen replied that she worked in a pharmacy, David thought for a few seconds and said: "So you used to milk cows?

Published: 27/01/2005