THERE'S only one thing that Soapland likes more than a good wedding and that's a good funeral when people have the opportunity to pay their respects to a loved figure. When the person being laid to rest is Andy the gangster - pushed off a bridge over a motorway, remember? - things are rather different as we discover in EastEnders (BBC1).

Big Pat Evans puts on some big ear-rings and a big hat to say a big goodbye to her former betting shop boss Andy. Unfortunately, no-one else feels the same. She's the only mourner at the funeral apart from Johnny Allen who, if you recall, was the chap who gave Andy a helping hand over the parapet. Perhaps he just wants to make sure that Andy is dead and won't be telling who killed him.

Pat does her best to round up a few mourners but no-one in Albert Square is interested and she's even forced to accept Johnny's offer of money to fund the burial. He's feeling guilty, or as guilty as a Mr Big can, over Andy's demise.

Otherwise it's dirty business as usual in Walford. Dirty Den's killer Chrissie and Sam are still at each other's throats over which one has the best claim to the Queen Vic. Jake Moon is on hand to help Chrissie with her grieving by offering a shoulder to cry on (and a bed to sleep in).

The Millers' finances, precarious at the best of times, hit rock bottom. Schoolgirl mum Demi can't afford to buy disposable nappies. Recycling old scripts - a real pile of cack - and using them is advisable to save a few pennies.

Disposal of a different kind concerns Angie Harris is Coronation Street (ITV1). How to get rid of the bloody body of husband terrible Tommy, thwacked on the head with a wrench by his daughter Kay-tee? Her maternal instincts kick in and she's delighted to see her daughter's older lover, Mar-in the nurse, accused of the slaying. Lock him up and throw away the key is her advice. He has no alibi and was heard threatening to kill Tommy in public.

Newly-returned ex-husband Ray has some shocking news for dreary Deirdre. No, he's not pregnant (although I wouldn't put anything past the Street scriptwriters these days) but has the type of fatal disease that strikes Soapland residents on short contracts.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), mad Steph tries to build bridges with her father Alan and his girlfriend Shelly, although it would need to be a structure the size of the Forth Bridge to repair the rift between them after she tried to kill them both.

Things are awkward between Paddy the vet and Viv the manhunter after the hand on the knee incident. This is not as serious as the hand down the Y-fronts manoeuvre but can cause bad feeling. His wife, meek Emily, suspects something is wrong.

Tom King decides to disown son Jimmy and his wife Sadie the bitch after they slept with his fiancee Charity (him) and framed her so he called off the wedding (her) in the continuing game of unhappy families.

Published: 03/03/2005