IF we think things are bad at Newcastle, spare a thought for the team they beat in a semi-final replay at Roker Park the last time they won the FA Cup 50 years ago. That was York City, who on Tuesday night lost 4-0 to Canvey Island.

After all, the Magpies lost only 4-1 to a club so wealthy that a player demands £120,000 a week, which would probably buy up the entire Canvey Island jellied eels industry.

Newcastle do, however, have problems, which seem to have sprung back to prominence since Alan Shearer announced he would carry on for another season.

It was as though all the lunatics had suddenly been released from the asylum crying: "Shearer's playing on, we can do as we please and everything will be fine."

I argued at the start of the season that Shearer should have stayed silent. Saying this would be his final season created a big problem with regard to his successor, especially as he obviously wasn't keen for someone to be groomed while he sat on the bench.

Now the same problem will hang over the club for another year, although the fact that he will also be coaching might help to clarify whether he can eventually take over as manager.

Shearer this week called for the club to sign players of good character, which is something Sir Alex Ferguson has always tried to do, only to find himself landed with Rio Ferdinand. This is the bonehead who forgot to turn up for a drug test, happily kicked his heels while the club stood by him during a six-month ban, and now imagines himself worth £120,000 a week.

Such lunacy merely seems to confirm that Shearer is a shining beacon in an ever-darkening sewer. The good players of good character on Newcastle's shopping list also have to be experienced ones, according to Graeme Souness, but where are they? Most have been polluted by the effluent of a decadent culture.

As for Rio, let him go to Chelsea, Fergie. It can only be a matter of time before everything implodes at Stamford Bridge, then we can all have a good laugh.

MY journey back from Leicester last Sunday night, even buoyed by another Durham win, seemed long enough, so it was impossible not to feel sorry for the Newcastle fans travelling twice as far from Cardiff.

There were no scarves fluttering from car windows and even the fish and chips at the Wetherby Whaler couldn't raise their spirits as they probably reflected it would have made far more sense to play the match at Elland Road.

It had poured in Cardiff, whereas the rain had arrived too late in Leicester to prevent Durham winning, and as I watch them getting the better of Worcestershire in Riverside sunshine it's remarkable how fortunes can change.

Other than when they beat Yorkshire on the first three glorious days of September, the last five weeks of last season were a virtual washout, reflecting Durham's performance. Now the sun is truly shining and they are making opponents look very ordinary. Two weeks in Dubai has obviously done more for them than for Newcastle.

GIVEN his obsession with toilet humour Billy Connolly will no doubt enjoy taking the P out of Paula. I'm a big fan of Ms Radcliffe, but not of the headlines she now creates.

Media reaction to her Olympic failure was over the top, but now she is somehow supposed to have atoned for the disappointment by winning the London fun run.

Reaction to her squat behind an advertising hoarding has varied from amused tolerance to shocked indignation. The only comment I would make is that I'm amazed she did it, given the lengths women normally go to to hide themselves when they're out for a walk and there's no-one around.

I THINK I'll start writing glowing praise about the places I visit. It has earned Bill Bryson the chancellorship of Durham University and on the day of the London Marathon he was the official starter of the Tresco Marathon in the Scilly Isles.

First of the 94 entrants across the line was Cornishman Bob Brown, who said: "It's so friendly here. In the pub yesterday everyone was buying me drinks. I ended up having six pints." At least he knew there'd be non-one looking when he nipped behind a stone wall for a pee.

LEEDS Tykes rugby club were in the third division when prop Mike Shelley forsook top-flight life with West Hartlepool to return to his roots. The move smacked of a lack of ambition, but now he's a Powergen Cup winner, which should guarantee the same route into the Heineken Cup which Newcastle took last season.

Except that Leeds are bottom of the table and the Premiership clubs allow the six places available to go only to their own members. So Leeds's fate will be of particular interest to the Falcons, who will have a better chance of gaining one of those places if the Tykes are relegated.