There could be several reasons why Silly Billy is looking so down in the dumps. Perhaps he's seen the latest ratings for EastEnders (BBC1).

Then again, the new producer might have told him that, in a bid to set temperatures soaring in Albert Square, he's going to have an affair with Mo (that's big Mo not his true love Little Mo). She's used to handling stolen goods but, quite honestly, Billy should fear for his life if she gets her grubby mitts on his assets.

Then again, perhaps he's fed up because the Ferreiras are leaving Walford. The rest of us will give three cheers, put up the bunting, and have a good old knees up to celebrate their departure. They never really settled into Soapland, so they had to go. What a boring lot they were.

Ash, Adi, Ronny and Tariq are forced to do a moonlight flit after three of Johnny Allen's cars go missing. He won't be pleased. As the Square's resident gangster, he'll be mixing the cement to fill the Ferreiras' shoes before their dip in the river.

Sonia has a day out at the funeral for the couple who adopted her daughter Chloe. Poor Sonia comes over all maternal at seeing young Chloe, the daughter she gave away after getting pregnant (although she didn't realise until she was actually giving birth) by the tallest man in soap, Martin Fowler, whom she subsequently married after he ran over and killed her fiance Jamie.

What an eventful life she's led. If only the snooze-worthy Ferreiras had managed to put a bit of excitement like that in their lives, they might still be living in Albert Square.

Another Chloe - Chloe Atkinson - gets her comeuppance in Emmerdale (ITV1) when Chastity dunks her in a convenient horsetrough. Happily, there is no horse in it at the time. These Dales folk really know how to enjoy themselves.

It happens after boyfriend Carl King rumbles Chloe's little scheme to keep him all for herself.

She sent his ex-wife poison pen letters, which was amazing really because she didn't look capable of writing a grocery list let alone pages of venom, and pretended Chastity sent them. Then she claimed to be pregnant to hang on to Carl.

Chloe's little games are exposed in front of the whole King-dom. She's forced to pack her bags and leave in one of those soap taxis that just happen to be passing at times like these.

Viv the man-eating corner shop owner continues her pursuit of Paddy the thick-as-a-brick-wall vet. I'd advise him to give her a sedative - a horse tranquilliser, preferably - to calm her down. James Herriot never had this sort of trouble.

Will there be a wreath saying ROCK ON TOMMY when terrible Tommy Harris is laid to rest in Coronation Street (ITV1)? We must expect hysterics all round at the funeral as widow Angela continues to audition for Lady Macbeth in a very bad Weatherfield Amateur Dramatic Society production, while daughter Kay-ee (who hit her dad with a wrench in the garage) continues to gibber like someone who's been forced to watch reruns of Richard and Judy's entire TV career.

This is becoming ridiculous. If Angela and Kay-ee don't own up to their crime soon, I may be forced to bash both over the head with a rolled up copy of the Radio Times in a re-enactment of the crime.

Dreary Deirdre is doing her best to make ex-husband Ray's last days as cheerful as possible by recounting the time she was locked up as the Weatherfield One for embezzlement.

Her husband-that-was and is soon-to-be-again, Ken Barlow, fumes in the background. And a fuming Ken is as dangerous as a lighted cigarette. He should carry a health warning.

Published: 17/03/2005