AS February 14 approaches, you'd be wise to lock up your daughters, bolt the doors and hide in the cellar as Soapland prepares for a repeat performance of the Valentine Day's massacre. See true love shot down in a hail of bullets and home truths.

First stop is Weatherfield where Ken Barlow is down on one knee. That blooming arthritis is really bad, althoug he has an ulterior motive for his bending position in Coronation Street (ITV1). He's determined to make dreary Deirdre say "yes".

They've been married before and, already this month, she's turned down his proposal (it was the bit involving a wet fish and a surgical stocking that upset her) but this time she gives him a positive answer. They announce to the family their plans to get wed abroad. A meeting with their financial representatives takes the shine off their plans.

Other residents are excited to receive Valentine cards. Steve McDonald gets two, along with his divorce papers. Cilla thanks Les for hers, which is a mistake as he hasn't sent her one and gets suspicious she has a secret, and presumably short-sighted, admirer.

Meanwhile, Silly Sally has her own Valentine's Day surprise for husband Kevin - she's going to tell him that she's sleeping with her boss. Not because she's feeling guilty, but she fears Kevin will find out from someone else that Ian the randy car salesman is a serial adulterer.

Charlie the builder with the bulging toolbox's idea of foreplay is to toy with girlfriend Shelley's mind and make her anxious about her weight. Little comments like "Come here you great elephant" and "I'll just widen the door so you can get in the room" do the trick. His snide remarks about her dieting come to nowt when, at the weigh-in, she's revealed to have reached her target weight loss. But with Shelley away and Violet sleeping at the Rovers, how long before builder Charlie is thinking about putting an extension in the guest room?

Charity is also planning a special Valentine's Day in Emmerdale (ITV1) as her sex, lies and videotape scheme comes to fruition. She gives Jimmy King the tape of them having how's your father, which is appropriate as she was set to marry his dad. She demands £150,000 to destroy the tape.

Newly-returned Laurel and Ashley the vicar discuss wedding plans over a Valentine's Day supper and agree a date for the wedding. One snag, the bishop won't give his approval because Ashley is divorced. He considers throwing away his dog collar in order to pursue the path of true love. The only good news on the Emmerdale romantic front concerns Emily and Terry, who return from their trip to Scotland more in love than ever. It won't last, I bet.

Only in Walford does Valentine's Day seem to pass them by. In EastEnders (BBC1), they're too busy plotting Dirty Den's downfall to get all lovey-dovey. Chrissie, Sam and Zoe are the trio who are hubble-bubbling around the cauldron, cooking up a plan to teach Dirty Den a lesson he won't forget in a hurry.

Andy the cut-price gangster is on his way out, usurped by a new Mr Big, Johnny the even nastier gangster, who's opening his new club called Scarlet. Andy's criminal empire is crumbling faster than Pat's make-up.

He's reduced to trashing Alfie's stall and ridiculing Sam to assert his authority. Next he'll be breaking into piggy banks to maintain his Mr Nasty reputation.

Published: 10/02/2005